Trust in A Time of Mistrust

From Israelis and Palestinians, to politicians, CEOs, corporations and institutions of every kind, even to telling our kids not to trust strangers, mistrust is everywhere.

According to Gallup poll in July 2022 Americans are less likely to trust the media, Congress, the Presidency and educational institutions than a year ago. One third of the 40 million people looking for someone online are married, but they don’t put that in their profile. So, it’s understandable that people struggle with who to trust.

Lets’ face it we all have trust issues, yet we all want to hear, ‘I trust you.’

“Generally speaking, a loss of trust created by a violation of character (integrity or intent) is far more      difficult to restore than a loss of trust created by a violation of competence (capabilities or results).”                                                                                                                                  Stephen Covey

All of us have been wounded by a lack of trust from an institution or more importantly a person and it’s impacted how we perceive people and our relationships. I’ve told my kids regarding their social world to trust the people who prove they’re trustworthy.

Now, that is reasonable, but what does that look like? What is the basis of trust and how can I develop or restore trust without having a cynical perspective? Especially after having been lied to and hurt as a result? Though it may be difficult, in most cases, lost trust can be restored and often even enhanced.

If you want to increase your relational trust in your life and have more rewarding relationships then there are a few things to consider.

We can trust God
I know that seems cliché to some of you, but it helps us to trust others by trusting God. The concept of trusting God has been so trivialized, overly simplified and misunderstood that many have a skewed perspective on what it means to trust God.

Trusting God and others is not easy. Unfortunately, some have even stigmatized God by the bad examples of His followers. They’ve been given an inaccurate spin and developed their own presuppositions of what God is like or even if there is a God.

It’s not surprising trusting God is a common theme of the Bible with the words trust, faith or belief used interchangeably from cover to cover. The Bible makes it very clear that trusting God is a response to who and what He does. To trust Him with your life is the result of His revealing Himself to us through creation, His deeds, His Word, His faithfulness to keep His promises.

God is not a man that He should lie (Heb.6:17-18) or repent. What a refreshing reminder considering the lack of truth telling today. God never needs to make an excuse for what He has said or done.

The Bible goes on to say that it’s impossible to please God without faith (Heb.11:6). So, the Bible is clear that we cannot have a relationship with God without trust (John 3:16) Who needs a dead religion when you can have an intimate trusting relationship that matters and will last forever? Now hopefully, most of us would not trust someone we do not know unless we’re being rescued from a burning building or they’re handing out cash…

Yet, God is altogether different, transcending the boxes we put Him in. He desires us. He has and still is relentlessly and passionately pursuing us even if we think otherwise.  He has initiated trust with us not the other way around.

Trust implies a relationship. From the Hebrews’ backs against the wall at the Red Sea, to Daniel in the Lion’s den, to David and his slingshot, to Job’s suffering, God has not deserted His people and He never will. God has proven He is trustworthy. Grappling and understanding God’s unfathomable love for us enables us to not only trust him but others as well.

 “The great spiritual task facing me is to so fully trust that I belong to God that I can be free, to be free to receive love from people and be grateful for all the signs of God’s presence in the world. I am convinced that I will truly be able to love the world when I fully believe that I am loved far beyond it’s’ boundaries.” Henri Nouwen

We can trust others.
Yet, our relational histories, to a large extent, can hinder us in trusting others. Whether we recall intentional or unintentional wounds from others they impact us in how we perceive others’ intentions.

Some find it extremely difficult if not impossible to trust others. They just haven’t seen enough integrity that would merit trust. An individual’s capacity for trust depends on their childhood, background and experiences. They have been let down countless times. I get that. 

 Yet, Jesus told His disciples, “I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” He had been walking with them for a few years and trusted his friends with his life. Even in the garden when He asked for prayer, they fell asleep and hours later would deny Him. Yet he loved them.   

How can we build bridges of trust in an age of distrust?  
“Demonstrate a propensity to trust. Extend trust abundantly to those who have earned your trust. Extend conditionally to those who are earning your trust. Do be quick to forgive-whether or not we choose to trust in the future, we always need to forgive.” John McGee

The more trusting we become the easier it is for another to trust us in a personal relationship.

Improving our listening will help immensely
Listen before you speak. Understand. Diagnose. Listen with your ears and your eyes and heart. Don’t assume you know what matters most to others. Don’t presume you have all the answers or all the questions. We need to be patient with other’s progress. If we judge others on how far they need to go according to our criteria we quench trust and we unintentionally drive them away.

If we want to develop trust and enjoy people today, we need to allow room for their growth Intimacy builds on trust, but an initial risk must be taken before trust can develop. There is no intimacy without risk. The risk is an intelligent leap of trust. Once taken, the more one puts into a relationship in trust, the more commitment increases.

We want people to be trustworthy, yet we fail to realize our role in developing trust. It is so much easier to expect change from others than to work on transforming our own hearts to trust not only God, but others as well.

 

 

You Can Help Others

As we saw in our previous blog Don Ritchie saved lives. He didn’t seek or need recognition. He didn’t bother to keep a record of it. Some of those he helped did not even say thank you. Don’t forget, ten lepers were healed by Jesus, but only one bothered to return with gratitude. But, make no mistake, Jesus will remember and even reward our every effort made in his name.

In our busy world, we want to schedule everything around our calendars. To be sure, organizing and finding balance in our lives is important. However, I’ve noticed that the most meaningful encounters are in unscheduled moments. Our scheduled busy lives can get in the way of being present in people’s lives. We get distracted far too easily.

Weapons of mass distraction
We surround ourselves with diversions – busy entertaining distractions are everywhere. Os Guinness said, “We modern people are not only surrounded by diversions we are mesmerized by them, and we rarely let our minds to think beyond them.”

With all the noise in this world who can hear anything, especially someone crying out for help. Far too many tell themselves, ‘I will engage with that person ‘later’ when it’s convenient or when I have more time, I will reach out to them.’ Sound familiar?

The ministry of presence trusts and celebrates God’s work in people
God knows a person’s whole story, and he doesn’t give up on anyone. We, on the other hand, can give up on people. It is a natural aspect of our fallen nature to judge and condemn instead of loving and helping other people.

In spite of all the havoc, Saul of Tarsus wrecked on the early church. Barnabas went to Troas to look for Saul and when he found him, he brought him to Antioch (Acts 11:25-26) Saul was public enemy number one for the early church. Yet Barnabas trusted in God’s work in Saul’s life and he even took the initiative to “look for” Saul in his hometown.

Whom are you looking for? Who are the people who society, even the church, may have given up on or forgotten? Yes, our support of someone may involve accountability, but it should also be marked by compassion. I thank God for the friends who believed in God’s work in my early walk with Christ.

Your presence doesn’t require an official prerequisite
After Don Ritchie’s fifty years of practicing being present for others at the Gap, most if not all of Don’s award recognitions occurred in his eighties.

“My ambition has always been to just get them away from the edge, to buy them time, to give them the opportunity to reflect and give them the chance to realize that things might look better the next morning.” Don Ritchie

Don sought opportunities to show up at the right moment. Don shows us that anyone can make a difference! Unfortunately, too many people ignore loved ones or family members who are clearly in mental anguish. They do not know what to say, so they say and do nothing. This is a huge mistake.

You may not be an expert, but your care and compassion are essential. Your presence is needed. Over time many believers have discovered that they cannot just quote a bible verse to someone who is in trouble, they also need to be present in their lives at that moment. The Bible is powerful to be sure, but it is most powerful and effective when it is experienced in the context of relationships.

According to psychologist Larry Crabb, when someone is experiencing mental and emotional trauma, non-experts are just as important as experts in the healing equation. Crabb’s research over the years compared the effectiveness of professional therapists to lay counselors and found that lay counselors are generally as effective as professional therapists for the most common problems.

The importance of his point is not that therapists are ineffective or are unimportant, but rather, everyday people need to know that they can help when friends and family face problems. As a pastor, I’ve met hundreds of parents and friends who regret that they did nothing when a loved one was paralyzed in the quicksand of a crisis.

We can learn from the example of Don Ritchie. You don’t need prepared remarks, but a compassionate listening heart. Don Ritchie asked a simple question with a smile, “Can I help you in some way?”

You can say that too! Now, go ahead…

 

Do Not Leave Your Bag Unattended

Have you ever planned a trip and it didn’t go as expected? You took things with you that you didn’t need or even use. Before 911 we were asked at the airport, “Did you pack your own bag?”

In the journey of our lives our parents or ourselves, not terrorists, have helped pack our bags for us with things we definitely didn’t need. Our bags became too heavy. If your suitcase is too heavy at the airport you’re going to pay more fees.

We used to hear "Do not leave your bag unattended.” You and I can benefit from attending to our bag and seeing how we can pack lighter so we have a more enjoyable trip.

When Israel went on their long Exodus trip they took some excess baggage with them as well. The Bible says the mixed multitude (the Egyptians who saw the miracles) went with them along with their beliefs and idols. At that time Israel had yet to receive any written revelation from God, but they had heard the stories about their forefathers all their lives.

They took their difficult experience of 400 years of slavery that impacted their perception of who God was and their expectation of what their journey would be like. A land flowing with milk and honey.

God told Israel, 'I will be your God and you will be my people and I will lead you and provide for you along the way, you just got to trust me.' (Ex.6:2-5). It was not just on this trip alone that the Israelis got involved in things that got them stuck on their journey.

Over the millennia Israel has had a long history of following other lovers and the allurement of alternatives to Gods’ way and it’s no different for us. We have the same human tendency to follow our own way.

Like Israel, there’s a time in all of our lives when we must learn to let go of loved ones, our possessions, our own expectations, or the control of people, places, and things. I’m afraid that too much of the time our lives are about what we want when we want it and how we want it. Israel desperately needed to let go of Egypt's false security. Their constant favorite theme song was, “I want to go back to Egypt,” even though God delivered them from bondage. Go figure.

Like the Israelis have you ever thought, “I’m tired of wandering around and waiting for my inheritance. How long oh Lord must I wait for that some kind of wonderful person or thing to come into my life?”We are constantly being told about a lot of things that just aren’t so, like this smoking ad.

It would help us to accurately understand what letting go means. Letting go doesn’t mean that we forget, ignore or deny that our past trauma or relationship didn’t matter and we can simply move on.

None of us are absolutely free from our past. While we cannot change the past we can experience freedom in the way we respond to it.

Your future can be better than your past.
Like the Israelis, we need to know that letting go is accepting your circumstance and your part in it, no matter how unfair. God intended the Israelis to go the long route to the Promised Land and not the seemingly easier route along the Mediterranean Sea, but just not for forty years. They got themselves into that mess.

Letting go is learning how to let go of your past relationship or if it’s ongoing, not controlling the other person. That’s hard even with the best intentions. Although we should not give disproportionate power to our past the past is not our enemy.

Understanding and acknowledging our past is not a meaningless exercise. While we can’t change the past, but we can learn from it. Like it or not our past can become our identity inventory. It can be good or bad. God asked the Israelis to REMEMBER their past in the celebration of the Passover feast every year for thousands of years.

Being aware of the dynamics of a broken relationship is one thing, but understanding what our part was in a broken relationship is never easy, but extremely helpful for our future relationships. Your past doesn’t need to be a ball n' chain. Don't let it be, it gets heavy and is not very attractive.

Join us next time for part two of this blog as we explore three impacting relational dynamics that can help us have the best possible relationships. Your comments are welcome and appreciated.

You're Worth Pursuing

I’m struck by what I’ve just watched on the news. More racial accusations, mean spirited politicians, unresolved border crisis, hurricanes and flooding and more political corruption. Life as usual. The broadcast ends with the smiling anchor saying, “Good night, we’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Good night? That’s it? It would be great if just once an anchor said with a deep sigh, “Oh, God help us, we desperately need your help.”

We see someone we think has it all together and we wonder, how did he do it? Maybe if we read the same book he read, spent some time with him and things would come together for us as well. Really, what do we want? We want comfort and happiness, not bad news and reality.

We want to escape from… or be like…or have more or have less...
In the midst of very trying times the apostle Paul said, Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead. Be very careful how you live, not as unwise but as wise. Use your head. These are desperate evil times. Ephesians 5:14-16 

We are not in Eden, the Matrix, or Disney World
We live in the real world where life doesn’t go as we planned. People break our hearts and we do the same. In this broken fallen world is there something that can give us a deeper sense of sustaining hope? Yes.

Despite all the bad news that comes our way when we know we are truly loved we can continue on. When we know we are wanted and pursued by someone it gives us hope to hang in there. Because many of us have never felt so loved we have pursued lesser things that have left us numb and empty.

The good news is that God loves and pursues you
Helen of Troy must have been something. Thousands were killed in the battles between Greece and Troy over who would get Helen. Would it be her husband Menalaus or Paris, Prince of Troy? Few have ever been so pursued.

Many have never been pursued or even noticed all their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In the movie The Last of the Mohicans, Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others, are trapped behind a waterfall with a rival Indian tribe closing in.

Before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora,
“just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do and no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued and rescued Cora.

God is saying the same thing to you. He believes you’re worth pursuing
The divine romancer will passionately come after you no matter where you are or how far you’ve gone! Even if you don’t want to be pursued He will not give up on you.

God could have given up on His love affair with mankind. He could have demanded our loyalty or made us love Him, but he didn’t. Thankfully, we don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right. There is nothing we need to do to make Him love us, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but whose we are. We are His.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:10

Before the foundations of the world God loved you and wanted you to be in His family. He wanted you then and still does today. You are constantly on His heart. He will never forget you or get tired of you. He is totally committed to you!

His passionate love for you will never be exhausted. May His love for you always be your hope.

Compassion and Humility in a Divisive World

How can we live in harmony in such a divisive world? Last week we looked at two heart attitudes that can foster harmony. There are two more significant heart postures that can help us develop new meaningful lasting relationships and improve our current ones.

Compassionate Heart
Showing compassion takes sympathy a step further. There are two ways we can show compassion in our relationships:

What we say.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

Does this verse characterize your speech and lifestyle?  Words that build others up makes other people appreciate you’re around, it meets needs. Or are your words like bombs filled with hurt and pain? Part of reducing conflict is choosing the right words at the right time in the right place.

How we act.
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

What can I do for you?  Rate yourself on  a compassion scale of 1 to 10. If the people closest to you say your prevalent attitude is, “How can you make my life better?” give yourself a 1-2.
Give yourself a 9 if you are constantly looking for ways to make life better for others.

Humble Heart
When we’re unwilling to compromise it’s highly likely that we’ll have little harmony or resolution in our lives. Humility is recognizing we don’t have it altogether and being honest with our weaknesses, our failings and willing to admit our mistakes. I’m willing to say four words, “I need your help.” To say you need help takes humility. 

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment. Romans 12:3

Humility also enables me to say I was wrong. It’s hard to be honest and vulnerable isn’t it? Humility is able to say, “forgive me.” It may be hard for some to say that, but when we remember how much God has graced our lives and forgiven us we can say, “I’m sorry I was wrong, please forgive me.”

Scripture encourages us to bear one another’s burdens, but how do I know what’s yours’ or how do you know what’s mine unless we share it?

How would you rate your level of humility 1 to 10? If you can’t back down and are defensive and can’t admit your wrong and ask forgiveness give yourself a 1. If you haven’t said “I was wrong” since 2000 give yourself a 1.” Give yourself a 9 if you can easily ask other people for help and admit that you’re wrong. You get the idea.

Join us next time for more heart attitudes that fosters harmony and improves our relationships.

What Is Submission Anyway?

An important quality that is deeply needed in relationships is submission. Does that sound odd to you? In today’s culture the concept of submission has a negative connotation. Unfortunately, history is full of women and other people groups that have been marginalized by an unbiblical ‘under my thumb’ interpretations of submission. 

So, it’s understandable this reality has impacted the how people view submission. Yes, the word submission has an image problem, but what does scripture say?

Jesus himself was obedient and submissive to death, even death on a cross (Philippians 2:8). In the scriptures Christ followers are to have a submissive attitude towards God, authorities, bosses, spouses and elders. The life of God in us looks like a life of submission. Submission impacts all our relationships.

The Greek word for submission has a military meaning and a non-military meaning. Many have only heard about the military use of getting in line, duty, etc., but the non-military use of submission is a voluntary attitude of cooperating, yielding, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden.

Doesn’t that sound like the life of God in us? Cooperation. Yielding. Assuming responsibility. Carrying a burden. This is what we do for each other in the body of believers and it is what we do for those who we live closely with and those who do not yet believe. We submit in such a way that the life of God might be seen in us and help others see Him through our actions.

A better way to understand biblical submission is being unselfish in our relationships and having the courage to give up my rights to meet another person’s needs.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4

One main ingredient in living a satisfying life is the ability to be unselfish. We’ve all have choices with the way we choose to live and here are the most common.

Other’s Way – Living to make other people happy

What do you want me to be and do for you? This may include compromising my deepest values. It’s sad to see what people will do to earn other’s acceptance and approval.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. If I seek to please man, I am no longer pleasing God. Galatians 1:10 

You can exhaust yourself and lose your identity in trying to please people and eventually resent it and go underground. We might think that living for others’ ways is submission, but that’s not at all what it means. It’s not being used and abused by letting someone walk all over you to make them happy. There is another way.

My Way
Being exhausted of earning other’s approval for too long can turn into my way. For more on My way and the God’s Way join us for the next blog.

Is Loneliness a Solvable Problem?

Millions think that loneliness is a solvable problem and the solution is usually a person.

The reasoning goes something like this, ‘When’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.’ So, each week over 40 million American lonely hearts pursue someone online to take their loneliness away. This pursuit takes a lot of time and it can be empty and exhausting.

In the movie Jerry McGuire, Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone, you don't know how to be alone, you’ve never been alone.” Many believe the same thing about themselves. Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness.

Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

The reality is that all of us experience loneliness regardless of our relationship status.

A different perspective about loneliness can possibly change your life
There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide your own list of reasons or definition. It is extremely helpful to know there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness. 

Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others
The problem is that we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach meaning to loneliness from our families and societal assumptions. I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved by marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd as Albert Einstein said, “It’s strange that you can be known all around the world, but be so lonely.”

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but they have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers.”

What do you do when you’re alone and feel sorry for yourself?After a tremendous victory over the false prophets of Baal the prophet Elijah was stretched to the max by the confrontation on Mount Carmel. His nerves were fried and he was hungry, thirsty and weary. Deeply distraught he prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,take my life.” Maybe you've said that before?

Elijah left his servant behind and journeyed into the wilderness all alone which made his situation even worse. Now alone, he had a pity party telling God he was the only faithful Jew in Israel. No wonder Jesus sent out the disciples in twos.

In times of fear and aloneness we need somebody to talk to and pray with to help give us clear perspective on our situation.  Like Elijah we can make poor decisions when we’re alone. In times like this we are especially vulnerable to the culture’s exploitation of relationships.

God is patient and worked with Elijah and brought him back to reality. God provided for him right where he was at and spoke to him in a still small voice. Thank God He is long suffering towards his children and speaks to us when we are feeling hurt and alone. He can do the same for you!

Caring For One Another

Last night I saw the movie Won't You Be My Neighbor? Seeing Mr. Rogers' passionate desire and mission in life to help kids know they’re deeply loved by someone was absolutely inspiring. Mr. Rogers did everything with a heart of genuine humility.

People felt special around him. They knew he really cared about them. During national tragic events from the Challenger Space Shuttle, Presidential assassinations to 911 Fred took on the difficult challenge of helping kids and their parents grapple with grief and loss.

You could see his compassion and feel his hurt for others. Fred took comfort during times of disaster by something his mother would tell him during times of loss. “Look for the helpers. You can always find people who are helping.”

In our humility we find the strength and the power to take care of one another.
Unfortunately, acts of kindness more often than not are small news stories that escape our notice. I wish it were not so. But we live in a world where social media saturation and negative controversy can win our attention. Gratefully, we do hear compassionate stories of healing and restoration.

Over the weekend I heard Natasha’s story about her life in Russia.One day Natasha’s dad left their family and never returned. Her mom was an alcoholic and would leave her daughters for days. Eight-year old Natasha and her five year old sister would go to the only neighbor who would let them stay with them and feed them.


Eventually other neighbors turned them into social services. Then one day as Natasha described it a big black car pulled up and took Natasha and her sister far away to an orphanage. There Natasha lived for eight years in a state run Russian orphanage with another 200 orphans in very squalid conditions. Her younger sister was placed in a foster home.

At one point with no dad, no mom and now no sister, Natasha felt deserted, isolated and lonely. She was often deeply depressed and would go to her dorm room and cry wondering if anyone cared for her and what would become of her. Because of her shyness Natasha most of her free time at the orphanage was spent doing homework and reading.

Then one day she was invited to go a Christian ministry center in a town called Kostromo not knowing what that was or where. Some of her friends were invited too so she went. It took two separate long bus rides to get there.

While there the Natasha met people who actually cared about her and listened to her whole story. The people at the center helped her by giving her a place of safety, acceptance and belonging. They provided an opportunity for Natasha to learn practical occupational skills for later in life. 

Natasha was encouraged to go to the University for her education where she also learned English. She eventually became office manager of the ministry center and now eight years later she is the program coordinator.

Natasha’s life was forever changed all because there were compassionate helpers who were willing to love, listen and change a life. Just because acts of kindness are under the radar it doesn’t mean they don’t change the world. 

We can all learn from Natasha’s story and others’stories. Whether it is heartache, fragility, vulnerability, breakability, weakness or disillusionment we can all offer simple acts of kindness and generosity.

Sometimes we need to hold someone without having to say a word. Sometimes we need to let ourselves be held by someone who tells us they care for us. Sometimes, more often than not, we need to say I love you. Sometimes we need talk with a friend or bring a meal to a storm victim. Sometimes we need to be very still for an afternoon or an hour and use our stillness to pray for those we care about. Sometimes we need to …

Sometimes I can get too easily cynical, but in my heart I know that only light can push the darkness away in this crazy mixed up world. You can be a light to someone by pointing them to the Savior. You can be a refuge from the storm for someone. You can make a difference. You can pay it forward. You can be a helper to someone who needs help.

Knowing You Are Pursued

We are not in Eden, Mayberry or Disney World.
We live in the real world where life doesn’t go as we planned. People break our hearts and we do the same. In this broken fallen world is there something that can give us a deeper sense of sustaining hope? Yes.

Despite all the bad news that comes our way when we know we are truly loved we can continue on. When we know we are truly wanted and pursued by someone it gives us hope to hang in there.

Because many of us have never felt so loved we have pursued lesser things that have left us numb and empty. Many have never been pursued or even noticed all of their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In the movie The Last of the Mochicans Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others, are trapped behind a waterfall with a rival Indian tribe closing in.

Before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora, “Just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do and no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued and rescued Cora.

God is saying the same thing to you. He believes you’re worth pursuing. The divine romancer will passionately come after you no matter where you are or how far you’ve gone! Even if you don’t want to be pursued or think you don't need it He will not give up on you.

God could have given up on His love affair with mankind. He could have demanded our loyalty or made us love Him, but he didn’t. Thankfully, we don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right.

There is nothing we need to do to make Him love us, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but whose we are. We are His.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:10

Before the foundations of the world God loved you.
He wanted you then and still does today. You are constantly on His heart. He will never forget you or get tired of you. His passionate love for you will never be exhausted. May God always be your ultimate place of hope!

Who Do You Trust?

The Free Fall of Trust

When Gallup first asked Americans about their trust of newspapers in 1973, 39 percent said they had a great deal of trust in them and by 1979, that number reached a high of 51 percent. In 2016, only 20 percent of Americans said they trust newspapers. Trust in television news has charted much the same course, and it fares only slightly better in 2016, with 21 percent trust.

In a poll we did a while back on this website we asked how you would define trust. Many of you said that it’s hard to believe that someone will actually do what they say they will do. According to most polls virtually every institution has lost public trust, especially Congress

These days, less than one-third of Americans say most people can be trusted. Half felt that way in 1972, when polls first asked the question. A record high of nearly two-thirds say "you can't be too careful" in dealing with people. Americans are suspicious of each other in everyday encounters.

From the Sunnis and Shiites, Israelis and Palestinians, politicians, CEOs, corporations and institutions of every kind, even to telling our kids not to trust strangers, mistrust is everywhere.

Broken Relational Trust

One third of the 40 million people looking for a date online are married, but they don’t put that in their profile. So, it’s understandable that people struggle with who to trust.

“Generally speaking, a loss of trust created by a violation of character (integrity or intent) is far more difficult to restore than a loss of trust created by a violation of competence (capabilities or results).”  Stephen Covey

Lets’ face it we all have trust issues, yet we all want to say,‘I trust you.’

All of us have been wounded by a lack of trust from an institution or more importantly a person and it’s impacted how we perceive people and our relationships. I’ve told my kids regarding their social world to trust the people who prove they’re trustworthy.

Now, that is reasonable, but what does that look like? What is the basis of trust and how can I develop trust without having a cynical perspective? Especially after having been lied to and hurt as a result? Though it may be difficult, in most cases, lost trust can be restored and often even enhanced.

If you want to increase your relational trust in your life and have more rewarding relationships then there are a few things to consider. Join us for the continuation of this blog in a few days.

Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last blog looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. Let’s discover a few cautions and red flags of online dating:

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 
For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that were over 40.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.
Online long distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example,  the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Signals
If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance:
Offers excuses not to meet their family or friends * Manipulates your emotions
Note: 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other
Pressures for physical intimacy * Served time in jail *Asks to borrow money
Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls
Listed on a state or national sex offender registry
Appears on America’s Most Wanted – I’m kidding, but you’d be surprised

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?
Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator.

Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities. For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient.Why would they want to waste two hours of their time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group and risk that nobody they’re interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?
In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community. People hunger for real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening your current friendships and or/seek ‘new’ reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging and challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance takes time to develop. Invest in people.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs are met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5:15-17  

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Online Dating

I hope you enjoyed the last blog on Online Dating. If you’re not a single adult forward this blog to someone else who care about who could benefit from these blogs?  Despite all the differing opinions there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

As a former single adult pastor I’ve seen the up and the downside of online dating. Today, 2 out of 5 relationships begin online and people who once were reluctant to admit they used online dating are rarer.

While researching this vast complicated and emotionally charged subject over the years, especially for Christians, I have discovered perhaps along with you, that there is lot of conflicting information about online dating. In the process of writing this blog I came across an article entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” in the Atlantic Monthly that is worth reading.

Although a very pragmatic article, it has a lot of good factual data that offers fairly objective critiques of the scientific matchmaking of eHarmony, Match.com and Chemistry.com. The article raises important questions about the data these scientists are collecting on relationships and personality types.

These web sites all have full time staff PhDs in the social sciences, anthropology, and psychology that are constantly polling and testing thousands of willing participants that will help people find their best possible match.

Of course this research and development helps these sites become successful, but is all this test tube data reliable and does it take out the mystique of romance and remove the human factor of face-to-face connection?  Remember while the data can be very helpful, it will never be infallible.  According to some there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

Advantages:

•          Meeting people existing outside social networks where they would otherwise never meet
•          Meeting more people quicker with similar core values, faith, interests, background and preferences
•         Offers privacy and confidentiality (turns out now this is not necessarily true)
•      More convenient than other ways of trying to meet people
•          Safer than many other conventional dating methods

The advantage to ‘scientific’ online dating isn’t to come up with some foolproof formula for romantic connection, but it can offer a safeguard to prevent you from making a poor choice.

Disadvantages:

·        People lie about themselves. 61% of users report concerns about members misrepresenting themselves.

According to Lori Gottlieb, the author of the article How Do I Love Thee? says, “Women tend to lie in their profiles about their weight and their age. And men tend to lie about their height and how much hair they have. That just seems to be a given. But there are other things that people may lie about as well—and I use the word "lie" loosely. They may answer questions in a way that's sort of fudging the truth a little bit…

• Users hide information about themselves and one cannot know for certain someone’s true character.They may not tell things about them you need to know
• Geographical distance makes physical closeness difficult, if not impossible
• Increased potential for identity theft.
• The speed of the online relationship cannot ensure you’re seeing a person for who they really are and all you need to know about someone’s past experiences
• Wasted resources.  A third of all online dating users have never met anyone face to face as a result of their time, efforts and money.

Please know these recent blogs are not endorsements of any kind. In a few days you won’t want to miss our last blog of this series as we look at the cautions and red flags of online dating and some concluding thoughts. 

Please feel free to share your comments below. If you would like to share any experiences on a personal level please feel free to email me at: mark@startingoverworkshops.com  If your experiences are used in a blog they will be used anonymously.

A Word About Online Dating

A word about online dating. Improvement for Husbandry and Trade periodical featured an ad by John Hewton stating he wanted to share his destiny with a young lady and they could “come to an agreement about the details.”

The year was 1695. Such ads were exclusive to men in those days. Despite this, in 1795, the courageous Helen Morrison, searching for a life partner, placed an ad in the Manchester Weekly Journal.  The town Mayor promptly arrested her and held her for four weeks
As Bob Dylan sang, “The times they are a-changin.” Yes, they sure have changed.

Looking for Love Online is BIG BUSINESS!
Today, anyone can go on-line seeking everything from an activity buddy to a life partner. The Beatles wailed, “Money can’t buy you love.” Don’t try telling that to the masses.  Looking for the ‘date’ and the search for on line love (or whatever it is) rakes in billions in revenue every year.

There are 40 million Americans using online dating websites and those users range from young to old. The share of 18 to 24 year-olds who report having used online dating has nearly tripled in the last two years. Today 27% of these young adults report that they have done so, up from just 10% in early 2013. Meanwhile, the share of 55 to 64 year-olds who use online dating has doubled over the same time period (from 6% in 2013 to 12% in 2015).

41% of Americans know someone who uses online dating; 29% know someone who has met a spouse or long-term partner via online dating.

Match.Com  brings in about one billion in annual revenue with 15 million users, six million of them logging in daily to find love, with a mere 1.5% success rate. Match determines success as “a relationship that developed as a result of the site.” With 10 million users in 2006, eHarmony reported 33K marriages, a puny 1%.  Since eHarmony defines success as “a match resulting in marriage” by their own terms, 99% of their users failed.

On line dating sites make it possible for millions of singles…and countless non-singles who purport to be single, to connect with one another in a quest for various forms of companionship. It falls to the consumer to determine whether or not it’s worth the effort.

Financial expense and success ratios are but two considerations in a line of criteria to help singles come to their own conclusion about the real value of online dating. So, what do you think?

If you’ve got a story to share (I’ll keep it confidential and possibly use it in a future blog without your name attached) let me hear from you at:  mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Don't miss our next blog that will examine the advantages and disadvantages of online dating. You can also comment below as well.

Starting Over Fall WorkshopColorado Springs, CO

September 11 - October 16 Register here

The Perfect Match

Millions are inundated with the myth that there is a perfect match for them. Somewhere ‘out there’ is the perfect match for me, my true soul mate, the person who fits me like a glove, who fits my soul the way a key fits into a lock.

Every week over 30 million are on the elusive search for the perfect match. So, one turns over every stone or possible lead only to discover after an exhausting pursuit, ‘it just isn’t so.’ Then, after their empty pursuit many become pessimistic, “Where have all the good guys gone?” Some even come to a place of despair and hopelessness desperately wanting something or someone.

Our longings for someone is strong and the thought of our future can become painful. Many philosophers, theologians and psychologists have written that the soul cannot survive for long in a state of despair, but we find a way to manage it by resignation. Learning to accept the inevitability of our circumstances with serenity is a good course of action, although definitely not easy.

But resignation alone cannot sustain a life
The writer Ernest Hemingway (don’t let the romanticized Hemingway’s role in in the Midnight in Paris fool you) said, “Sooner or later, the world breaks everyone, and those who are broken are strongest in the broken places.”

Sometimes that is true
But sometimes people write nice things they hope to be true only to find they don’t help. Hemingway himself didn’t get stronger and ended his own life because his pain was too great.

But, there is always HOPE which is not based on circumstances, but rather in God.
Many hope for a lot of things, but the good news is that hope can be experienced. Hanging around hopeful people can really help too.  Yet, none of us can ensure that things will work out the way we want them to, but we can ask ourselves, ”How would the person I want to be face this situation?”

We might not be able to change our situation, but many of our situations are temporary and the person you are becoming will go on. You have to live with you. What are you going to do about your circumstance or better yet, who are you going to become through it?

Adversity can change your priorities about what really matters. Billy Bean, former GM of the Oakland Athletics, whose character was portrayed in the Academy Award nominated movie ’Money Ball’, decided his daughter was worth more than the highest paid GM in baseball (12M).

Disappointment and adversity can point us in a different direction.
While I was teaching a Bible study in a prison I met several who pointed themselves in a different direction. Their circumstance helped them see what was really important in life. A few were formerly rich and had traveled the world, but told me if they were to visit one more place before they die it wouldn’t be luxurious places, but rather their prison cell where they met God.

Hope points us beyond ourselves.
In a difficult world where at times it can seem that nothing is going up we may ask, “What’s going up for me?” One thing that can ‘go up’ in our lives is the opportunity for you and me to trust God. Our trust in God can always can go up! It isn’t easy, but it’s wide open because God’s grace and His love are always available!

For more about meaningful relationships check out our blogs on ‘Dating’

The Impact of Our Words

Rabbi Joseph Telushkln, author of Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, has lectured throughout country on the powerful and often negative impact of words. He often asks audiences if they can go 24 hours without saying any unkind words about, or to another person.

Invariably, a small number of listeners raise their hands with a “yes.” Others laugh, and quite a large number call out. “no!” The Rabbi says that, “If you cannot go 24 hours without saying unkind words about others, then you have lost control over your tongue.”

Words do have the power to heal or to harm. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit (Prov. 18:21). Our words can bring delight or destruction, hurt or encouragement What kind of words do you speak? All of us have said things we wish we hadn’t.  

Our words can be liberating or distance us from others who are closest to us. If you speak when you’re angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. Proverbs tells us that out of the overflow of our heart the mouth speaks.

Words mean a lot to God. He created the world with His spoken word.  God says He hates hurtful words (Prov.6:16-19), but that encouraging words are like “apples of gold in settings of silver” (Prov. 25:11). That sounds nice, but apparently difficult to do.  Many never learn to control their tongues.

James says that our tongue can be as destructive as a forest fire (James 3:5-6).  The Bible says our words can be just as destructive.

The Hayman fire was a forest fire that started fire started in a campground northwest of Lake George 95 mile southwest of Denver on June 8, 2002, and became the largest of the Colorado wildfires in the state's recorded history. Hundreds of firefighters fought the fast-moving fire, which caused nearly $40 million in firefighting costs, burned 133 homes, 138,114 acres, and forced the evacuation of 5,340 people.

The fire wasn't contained until July 2, 2002 and was finally brought under control on July 18, 2002. About a week later Terry Barton who was Fire Prevention tech for the US Forestry was arrested  after admitting she accidentally started the fire by burning a letter from her estranged husband.

Words can promote healing by understanding and changing their impact.

First, we need to understand the emotional and mental impact of our words.Reckless words pierce like a sword…Prov. 12:18a Words injure us, they get inside of us. They can be unintended verbal terminators that can break someone’s spirit. What about you, have you ever wished you could take some of your words back? Before you speak consider…

Gentle words are a tree of life; but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Prov.15:4). The tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18 b).

Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up…Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time…Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. Prov. 16:24 Prov. 12:25; 15:23; 16:24

Secondly, our words impact our relationships.
For many of us our mouth has been the shipwreck of many of our relationships. All of us have blown it, so tune and listen. We all need to be far more careful with our words and to whom we speak them to.  

British shock jock Tim Shaw may have finally learned a valuable lesson about the consequences of our words. While working his usual 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. shift, Shaw told the pin-up girl he was interviewing—on air—that he was willing to leave his wife and two kids for her.

Minutes later, his wife Hayley, created an eBay auction for her husband’s car, a Lotus Turbo. The auction page was almost completely blank except for a picture of the car and the following words: “I need to get rid of this car immediately—ideally in the next 2-3 hours before my cheating jerk husband gets home to find it gone and all his belongings in the street, you can pick it up tonight.”

The car-valued at approximately $45,000-was listed with a Buy-lt-Now for fifty pence or about 90 cents. The auction lasted exactly 5 minutes and 3 seconds before anonymous buyer paid for it and drove away. A later interview with reporters, Mrs. Shaw said that she was, “sick of Tim constantly disrespecting our family for the sake of his act.” 
When asked about the price of the Lotus she said, “I just wanted to get him back.”  Four days after the car was sold, the anonymous buyer left the following feedback on Mrs. Shaw’s eBay account: “Thank you, Hayley, the car is excellent and thank your hubby.”

What we say does have consequences.

Find out more how our words impact our present and future in the next blog. 

With Hope,

Mark