How To Recover from Divorce or Break Up - Part 3

This is part three and the final blog from the article ‘How to Recovery from Divorce or Break up.’ To read the entire article go here. If you would like to be part of a forum dialogue about topics that matter to you including these blogs click this Group Face Book page and join us. 

7. Loneliness and a supportive community
Going through a breakup means you’ve lost someone you bonded with over a long period, whether it was healthy or not. They were there to listen to you and be there for you. Now that’s gone; things are different now, maybe radically different. You’re not used to be alone, yet being alone is a part of life. Being alone happens to all of us whether we’re married or not. The loneliest person in your zip code might not be a single adult.

Many think that loneliness is a solvable problem, it’s not. It’s a normal human condition that occurs from time to time. You can feel lonely in a crowd or on a business trip or in your own home. Be aware that isolation can be your biggest enemy! Yet, realize that your aloneness can actually help you to reach out to others who care about you.

We all need relationships, even if were introverts or we have convinced ourselves that we are totally self-reliant. God knows we need each other. We’re not meant to be alone. We were created for meaningful relationships. We need to know and be known, to love and be loved. For these reasons, having a supportive community is critical to your recovery.

A community can be a faith community or group of friends or family who can support you. Make sure your supportive community knows you need their support and how you need to be supported.

8. Learn more about yourself and become a better person.
Rather than dwelling on what was done to you be open to learn from your mistakes and blind spots. Don’t just go through relationship loss, grow from it.

Starting over begins with you, not the other person!

If you are to develop better relationships in the future, without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine every aspect of relationships in regard to yourself.

The Starting Over Workshop can help you discover more about yourself and how to develop meaningful relationships now and in your future. Thousands have discovered hope and deep healing by attending. You can too. It’s time to move forward, isn’t it?

9. Assuming new responsibilities.
When going through relationship loss your life may be upside down. Perhaps nothing is the same and your life is difficult now. Your loss has impacted your finances, your living environment, your social structure and your health. Everything is different now.

Perhaps there is one to take care of you now, don’t look for someone to rescue you; take responsibility for your future. It might be difficult to hear, but embrace and enjoy your singleness, don’t mourn it. This is a time to grow, not stagnate. As a single adult, seek out positive, healthy friendships that provide acceptance and help you to be a better person.

10. Take good care of yourself. Divorce or breakup recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they must take care of themselves. Eat well, exercise and get the sleep you need. Rediscover an old hobby or activity you used to enjoy.

Reconnect with some of your old friends and associates. Invite others into your life. Don’t let the walls close in on you. Get out more often. Create new experiences. Without creating new experiences you might continue in your old negative patterns and you don’t need that. Enjoy today!

Although recovering from divorce or a breakup is not easy, you can begin again with hope and a new vibrancy for life. Do you believe your future can be better than your past? The answer to that depends on you.

Please leave your comments below this blog or email them to me at the below address.

With Hope,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

How to Recover after Divorce or Break Up

To catch the first 'four ways of how to recovery' please go here. If you would like to be part of a forum dialogue about topics that matter to you including this article click this 'new' Group Face Book page and join us. 

5. Understand what letting go means.

Letting go doesn’t mean that we forget, ignore or deny that our relationship mattered and simply move on. None of us are absolutely free from our past, but we can experience freedom in how we see our past. While we cannot change what has happened, we can change the way we respond to it. We can develop a new perspective.

Letting go is accepting my circumstance no matter how unfair it seems or how much I don’t like it. If your former relationship is ongoing, learn how to manage your former relationship, but do not try to control them. Give up your need to understand your former’s behavior. Quit accepting responsibility for what is not your own.

Know that you are not responsible for your former’s choices, only for your own and your children’s welfare. Your future can be better than your past.

6. Forgive your former and yourself.
No matter what happened, you need to forgive. We all knowingly or unknowingly inflict pain upon each other. It doesn’t matter if the painful actions came out of self-defense, self-preservation or revenge.

Blaming will not reduce your pain, but instead harden your heart and prolong your pain. Seeking pay-back or getting even might even feel good for a time, but it will lock you into your own self-imposed bondage. Give up the blame game and forgive your former and yourself.

Psychologist and author Lewis Smedes said, “Forgiveness is surrendering the right to hurt back.” Forgiving your former and yourself is a crucial and inescapable step to your healing. Isn’t it time to forgive and move on?

If you know someone who can benefit from this and the follow up blogs please send this to them.   Join us for the continuation of this article on the next blog for: loneliness and a supportive community; becoming a better person, assuming new responsibilities,  and taking good care of yourself.  

Please leave your comments below this blog or email them to me at the below address.

With Hope,

 

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

It’s Not Too Late To Start Over

Do you need a fresh start? Maybe your life has kind of been like a treadmill where you’re moving, but noint getting anywhere? Perhaps you’re starting over with a new job, a new relationship, an exercise plan or a diet? It’s not too late to start over.

Most of us like things ‘new.’ We love new. We like the new car, the new relationship…We like new and improved. God likes new too. He is into new, new birth, a changed life. God sees the new in advance. He sees what’s ahead and wants to get us there.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it. I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19

We can learn from God’s word to Israel. He speaks to the prophet Isaiah about the nation’s future in a time of great national distress. Israel’s sins have determined their future exile. By God’s mercy they can start over despite their self inflicted consequences. They can have a fresh new start, but they need to cooperate with God.

Regardless of what you need a fresh start with write it down and get it in your mind. Here are some action steps to start over.

First, identify your pain.
Isaiah declares in 6:1, “In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord…” Like Isaiah, a significant life event can foster a deep needed change within an individual or a nation. For us it may not be a death, but a death of a dream, the loss of a job or a relationship. Whatever the pain it’s important that we ask ourselves, “How can I start over?” Is it possible?  Yes, it’s never too late to start over.

Unlike Isaiah many deny the pain in their life and say, “it’s no big deal, I’ve moved on” and pretend what’s in the past is the past. I am not saying dwell on our past, but if we’re not honest with the impact of our disappointment and pain we can never truly start over. The glossing over of our pain can become our ball and chain.

Those who continue to be trapped in their pain can become apathetically stuck. If the masks we’ve been wearing don’t work why continue to wear them? Why not try something new? Isn’t it about time?

Pain is a great motivator to start over. Can you identify your pain with Isaiah, “In the year Uzziah died I..” (your pain) “I began to drink heavily; I gave up and disengaged with life?” Could that be you? Do you want a fresh start that will last? If so, what is broken in your heart?

What if you do nothing with your grief, then what? God wants you to be honest with Him. He intimately knows everything about you, so don’t wait to bring your pain to Him, do it now (I Peter 5:7).

Secondly, recognize it’s all about God.
In the midst of his nations’ painful consequences Isaiah said, “I saw the Lord, high and exalted… and the seraphim cried Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory”v.1,3. When I identify my pain and truly recognize who God really is and my need for Him He becomes my motivation to start over.

For millions starting over is about the power within you for three easy payments. Real change will not last without God. Lindsay Loham is not going to change without God. Until it’s all about God it’s just recycled weirdness, a re-inventing of ourselves. You don’t want to waste your one and only life do you?

How big is your God? Is He big enough to help you deal with your pain and help you start over? Who or what has your main attention? If God is not the center for you, who is?

Join us for the rest of the action steps in the next blog.Your comments are appreciated.

Shalom,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Look Back and Learn

To look back upon history can help us understand our origins, traditions and families. When humanity fails to understand and learn from history they are destined to repeat the past. It is no different for people like you and me. Although we should not give a “disproportionate power to our past” the past is not our enemy. Understanding and acknowledging our past is not a meaningless exercise.

Some say the past is past. While we can’t change the past we can learn from it. Being aware of the dynamics of a broken relationship is one thing, but understanding what our part was in a broken relationship is never easy, but extremely helpful for our future relationships. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about the numerous aspects of how family histories contribute to intimate relationships we can step back and learn from our past relationships.

In order to have the best possible meaningful relationships now and in the future it’s vitally important to understand three 

Understand what happened in the relationship 

In order for you to move on and develop healthy relationships you need to look back and understand what happened to contribute to the break up. This is the part of your journey where you'll have to be extremely honest with yourself. It'll do you no good to blame your ex or yourself. You need to clearly understand the dynamic you and your former created together and clearly trace the threads of the events that led to the shipwreck.

Understand why you chose your former
People choose relationships for many different reasons, the most popular being "love." But what many consider to be "in love" is not really love at all. According to psychologist Neil Clark Warren here are some of the reasons for faulty mate selection:

A deep need to be wanted
A lifelong struggle to meet someone and "save" them or "change" them
A fear of being alone
Infatuation
Material security
The decision to get married is made too quickly
Decision is made at too young of an age.
One or both persons are too eager to get married.
One or both may be choosing a mate to please someone else.
The couple has unrealistic expectations.
One or both have unaddressed significant personality or behavior problems

If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, hopefully you'll be able to see the beginnings of the breakup at the inception of the relationship. You'll also start to build understanding to be able to choose differently the next time around.

Understand the truth about you

This truth is important because it builds on the previous dynamics. Jonathon Edwards, one of America’s most brilliant minds said, “Of all kinds of knowledge that we can ever obtain, the knowledge of God and the knowledge of ourselves are the most important.” Knowing that He is God and we are not and the difference it makes puts things into proper perspective.

No one is exempt, we all have blind spots. How often do we hear, mistakes were made, but not by me? How refreshing it is in this day and age of the extreme blame game when someone admits they’re wrong and simply says, “I’m sorry.”

Socrates said,”The unexamined life is not worth living." The sad thing is most people avoid leading an examined life. It's not that they don't have time or make time. They just actively avoid examining their lives.

In contrast, people who do examine their lives, who think about where they've been, how they got here, and where they're going, are much more contented people. No one has all the answers. And no one's life is free from trouble and strife. But those who know who they belong to (namely God) and why they’re here are in a very fertile place to grow. So, how about you?  When we apply these dynamic we’ll all be better off and those around us will appreciate it.

With Hope,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

How To Recover from Divorce or Break Up - Part 3

This is part three and the final blog from the article ‘How to Recovery from Divorce or Break up.’ To read the entire article go here. If you would like to be part of a forum dialogue about topics that matter to you including click this 'new' Group Face Book page and join us.

7. Loneliness and a supportive community


Going through a breakup means you’ve lost someone you bonded with over a long period, whether it was healthy or not. They were there to listen to you and be there for you. Now that’s gone; things are different now, maybe radically different. You’re not used to be alone, yet being alone is a part of life. Being alone happens to all of us whether we’re married or not. The loneliest person in your zip code might not be a single adult.

Many think that loneliness is a solvable problem, it’s not. It’s a normal human condition that occurs from time to time. You can feel lonely in a crowd or on a business trip or in your own home. Be aware that isolation can be your biggest enemy! Yet, realize that your aloneness can actually help you to reach out to others who care about you.

We all need relationships, even if were introverts or we have convinced ourselves that we are totally self-reliant. God knows we need each other. We’re not meant to be alone. We were created for meaningful relationships. We need to know and be known, to love and be loved. For these reasons, having a supportive community is critical to your recovery.

A community can be a faith community or group of friends or family who can support you. Make sure your supportive community knows you need their support and how you need to be supported.

8. Learn more about yourself and become a better person.

Rather than dwelling on what was done to you be open to learn from your mistakes and blind spots. Don’t just go through relationship loss, grow from it.


Starting over begins with you, not the other person!

If you are to develop better relationships in the future, without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine every aspect of relationships in regard to yourself.

The Starting Over Workshop can help you discover more about yourself and how to develop meaningful relationships now and in your future. Thousands have discovered hope and deep healing by attending. You can too. It’s time to move forward, isn’t it?

9. Assuming new responsibilities.

 When going through relationship loss your life may be upside down. Perhaps nothing is the same and your life is difficult now. Your loss has impacted your finances, your living environment, your social structure and your health. Everything is different now.

Perhaps there is one to take care of you now, don’t look for someone to rescue you; take responsibility for your future. It might be difficult to hear, but embrace and enjoy your singleness, don’t mourn it. This is a time to grow, not stagnate. As a single adult, seek out positive, healthy friendships that provide acceptance and help you to be a better person.

10. Take good care of yourself.

Divorce or breakup recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they must take care of themselves. Eat well, exercise and get the sleep you need. Rediscover an old hobby or activity you used to enjoy.

Reconnect with some of your old friends and associates. Invite others into your life. Don’t let the walls close in on you. Get out more often. Create new experiences. Without creating new experiences you might continue in your old negative patterns and you don’t need that. Enjoy today! 

Although recovering from divorce or a breakup is not easy, you can begin again with hope and a new vibrancy for life. Do you believe your future can be better than your past? The answer to that depends on you.

Please leave your comments below this blog or email them to me at the below address.

With Hope,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

How To Recover from Divorce or Break Up - Part 2

This blog is from an article that originally appeared with 'ten ways' of How to Recovery from Divorce or Break up. This blog is part two of that article. 

To catch the first 'four ways' please go here. The last part will follow in a few days. If you would like to be part of a forum dialogue about topics that matter to you including this article click this 'new' Group Face Book page and join us.

5. Understand what letting go means.

Letting go doesn’t mean that we forget, ignore or deny that our relationship mattered and simply move on. None of us are absolutely free from our past, but we can experience freedom in how we see our past. While we cannot change what has happened, we can change the way we respond to it. We can develop a new perspective.

Letting go is accepting my circumstance no matter how unfair it seems or how much I don’t like it. If your former relationship is ongoing, learn how to manage your former relationship, but do not try to control them. Give up your need to understand your former’s behavior. Quit accepting responsibility for what is not your own.

Know that you are not responsible for your former’s choices, only for your own and your children’s welfare. Your future can be better than your past.

6. Forgive your former and yourself. 

No matter what happened, you need to forgive. We all knowingly or unknowingly inflict pain upon each other. It doesn’t matter if the painful actions came out of self-defense, self-preservation or revenge.

Blaming will not reduce your pain, but instead harden your heart and prolong your pain. Seeking pay-back or getting even might even feel good for a time, but it will lock you into your own self-imposed bondage. Give up the blame game and forgive your former and yourself. 

Psychologist and author Lewis Smedes said,“Forgiveness is surrendering the right to hurt back.” Forgiving your former and yourself is a crucial and inescapable step to your healing. Isn’t it time to forgive and move on?

If you know someone who can benefit from this and the follow up blogs please send this to them.   

Join us for the continuation of this article on the next blog for: loneliness and a supportive community; becoming a better person, assuming new responsibilities,  and taking good care of yourself.  Please leave your comments below this blog or email them to me at the below address.

With Hope,

 

Mark

mark@startingoverworkshops.com

How To Recover from Divorce or Break Up

This article originally appeared with ten ways to recovery from divorce or breakup. This blog will be one part of that article. The other parts will follow along with a forum dialogue by clicking this 'new' Group Face Book page.

If you know someone who can benefit from this and the follow up blogs please send this to them.   

Dealing with the loss after divorce, separation or a significant relationship can break your heart! It is one of the most painful and emotional times you can ever experience. Recovering from a relationship loss can be a very hard and treacherous road. Some people never get over it. Others, though they may have moved on from their breakup, still carry the memories and pain with them.

Many wonder if they’ll ever get past the loss and be able to trust again. Below are ten ways to help you recover from your relationship breakup and experience hope and healing now and in the future!

1. Understand your emotions and assumptions. 
People going through relational loss experience a wide range of emotions, from sadness, to depression to anger. Some assume that their emotions indicate that they’re out of control. It’s normal to have varying degrees of emotions when you’re in grief. Your emotions are neutral, normal and natural. They are simply signals of what you are feeling.

It’s okay to have all these types of emotions, it’s not abnormal. Although your emotions can be overwhelming, know that they will change. It takes time to process your grief. You don’t need to be in a hurry. You don’t have to bring closure to your circumstances right now.

2. Understand the grief over the loss of your relationship.
When our hopes and dreams are shattered, it’s not simple to quickly move on. Regardless if we’re the respondent or initiator we need to process our grief. While there is no formula or time frame to grieving our losses we can learn from our pain. Embrace your pain.  Don’t run from it, learn from it.

Know that your heart, your dreams and your hopes can be revived. It’s never too late to start over!

3. Understand that blaming your former does not help you or your kids.

While you may have legitimate reasons to blame your former or others for your loss it will not help you accept your circumstances and move on. While today’s culture popularizes blame into an art form and it might seem understandable for you to blame someone for something, it will only prolong your pain.

While it’s easy to do, don’t indulge in self-pity. It will make you more discontented and push people away. Starting over begins with you, not the other person.

4. Live one day at a time.
We cannot predict the long-term future, let alone next week. You cannot control what tomorrow may bring, but you can control how you respond. How many of your worries pertain to today? How many of your worries can you do anything about? How many of your worries are really your responsibility?

Many want easy instant healing, but it doesn’t happen overnight. Take one step at a time one day at a time. Plan wisely, but live for today and not for tomorrow. Tomorrow will come. Even a bad day can make a good story, depending on your perspective.

Join us for the continuation of this article on the next blog. Please leave your comments below this blog or email them to me at the below address.

With Hope,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Myths and Benefits of Divorce Recovery

With divorce being as common as it is I’m sure you’ve heard a friend you care about say something that just doesn’t seem right to you regarding their divorce or break-up. The statements you hear or the things they do while they’re in the process of divorce or the loss of a significant relationship concerns you.  

You wonder what to say to them or to politely suggest to them a resource that would really help them and their kids? What is a resource that you could suggest that will not only practically help them now, but for the rest of their lives?

Over the years I have been constantly asked in radio, TV and magazine interviews and from many of the thousands who have attended the Starting Over Workshops what are the myths and benefits of divorce recovery. So, because this question is constantly being asked I thought it would be helpful to share this again.

Myths about Divorce Recovery:

- That you shouldn't be experiencing the wide range of emotions that you do, that your feelings are abnormal.

- That there is a quick fix to all the issues of divorce.

- That another relationship is the answer to your pain and disappointment.

- That another relationship can solve your loneliness.

- That you are exempt from the pain and disappointment of a broken relationship.

- That you can solve your own issues with your own intellect and hard work.

- That you don't need help, that you’re self sufficient, that you can do it all by yourself.

Benefits of The Starting Over Workshop DVDS and CDs:

- The most cost effective tool for divorce recovery, giving you hope and helping you through the process.

- Facilitated by a seasoned professional who has actually been divorced rather than a theoretician who has no real life personal experience with divorce.

- Learn about yourself and how others process divorce more quickly and effectively than other more expensive long term therapy sessions.

- Unpack the depth and impact of divorce upon you and your children.

- Learn practical skills to cope and manage your former (ex) relationships now and in the   future.

- Become more aware of how to process the divorce with your children.

- Think more wisely about you and your children's future.

- Learn to accept the reality of your divorce and move on with real life practical skills.

- Learn how to make better decisions in all your relationships now and in the future.

- Realize that no one person is going to make you happy and that it’s your own responsibility to choose happiness.

- Learn about the importance of forgiveness and its role in your recovery through divorce.

- Pain is inevitable, misery is an option.

- Realize you are not alone.

Now, if you or someone you know could benefit from this please send this to them and a link to the Recovery After Divorce website at http://www.recoveryafterdivorce.com/ For video samples see http://www.recoveryafterdivorce.com/MarkSkalbergmedia.html

For Hope, Healing and Life,

Mark