Is Loneliness a Solvable Problem?

Millions think that loneliness is a solvable problem and the solution is usually a person.

The reasoning goes something like this, ‘When’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.’ So, each week over 40 million American lonely hearts pursue someone online to take their loneliness away. This pursuit takes a lot of time and it can be empty and exhausting.

In the movie Jerry McGuire, Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone, you don't know how to be alone, you’ve never been alone.” Many believe the same thing about themselves. Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness.

Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

The reality is that all of us experience loneliness regardless of our relationship status.

A different perspective about loneliness can possibly change your life
There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide your own list of reasons or definition. It is extremely helpful to know there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness. 

Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others
The problem is that we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach meaning to loneliness from our families and societal assumptions. I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved by marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd as Albert Einstein said, “It’s strange that you can be known all around the world, but be so lonely.”

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but they have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers.”

What do you do when you’re alone and feel sorry for yourself?After a tremendous victory over the false prophets of Baal the prophet Elijah was stretched to the max by the confrontation on Mount Carmel. His nerves were fried and he was hungry, thirsty and weary. Deeply distraught he prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,take my life.” Maybe you've said that before?

Elijah left his servant behind and journeyed into the wilderness all alone which made his situation even worse. Now alone, he had a pity party telling God he was the only faithful Jew in Israel. No wonder Jesus sent out the disciples in twos.

In times of fear and aloneness we need somebody to talk to and pray with to help give us clear perspective on our situation.  Like Elijah we can make poor decisions when we’re alone. In times like this we are especially vulnerable to the culture’s exploitation of relationships.

God is patient and worked with Elijah and brought him back to reality. God provided for him right where he was at and spoke to him in a still small voice. Thank God He is long suffering towards his children and speaks to us when we are feeling hurt and alone. He can do the same for you!

Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last blog looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. Let’s discover a few cautions and red flags of online dating:

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 
For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that were over 40.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.
Online long distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example,  the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Signals
If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance:
Offers excuses not to meet their family or friends * Manipulates your emotions
Note: 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other
Pressures for physical intimacy * Served time in jail *Asks to borrow money
Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls
Listed on a state or national sex offender registry
Appears on America’s Most Wanted – I’m kidding, but you’d be surprised

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?
Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator.

Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities. For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient.Why would they want to waste two hours of their time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group and risk that nobody they’re interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?
In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community. People hunger for real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening your current friendships and or/seek ‘new’ reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging and challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance takes time to develop. Invest in people.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs are met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5:15-17  

How To Recover from Divorce or Break Up - Part 3

This is part three and the final blog from the article ‘How to Recovery from Divorce or Break up.’ To read the entire article go here. If you would like to be part of a forum dialogue about topics that matter to you including these blogs click this Group Face Book page and join us. 

7. Loneliness and a supportive community
Going through a breakup means you’ve lost someone you bonded with over a long period, whether it was healthy or not. They were there to listen to you and be there for you. Now that’s gone; things are different now, maybe radically different. You’re not used to be alone, yet being alone is a part of life. Being alone happens to all of us whether we’re married or not. The loneliest person in your zip code might not be a single adult.

Many think that loneliness is a solvable problem, it’s not. It’s a normal human condition that occurs from time to time. You can feel lonely in a crowd or on a business trip or in your own home. Be aware that isolation can be your biggest enemy! Yet, realize that your aloneness can actually help you to reach out to others who care about you.

We all need relationships, even if were introverts or we have convinced ourselves that we are totally self-reliant. God knows we need each other. We’re not meant to be alone. We were created for meaningful relationships. We need to know and be known, to love and be loved. For these reasons, having a supportive community is critical to your recovery.

A community can be a faith community or group of friends or family who can support you. Make sure your supportive community knows you need their support and how you need to be supported.

8. Learn more about yourself and become a better person.
Rather than dwelling on what was done to you be open to learn from your mistakes and blind spots. Don’t just go through relationship loss, grow from it.

Starting over begins with you, not the other person!

If you are to develop better relationships in the future, without repeating the same mistakes, you need to understand and examine every aspect of relationships in regard to yourself.

The Starting Over Workshop can help you discover more about yourself and how to develop meaningful relationships now and in your future. Thousands have discovered hope and deep healing by attending. You can too. It’s time to move forward, isn’t it?

9. Assuming new responsibilities.
When going through relationship loss your life may be upside down. Perhaps nothing is the same and your life is difficult now. Your loss has impacted your finances, your living environment, your social structure and your health. Everything is different now.

Perhaps there is one to take care of you now, don’t look for someone to rescue you; take responsibility for your future. It might be difficult to hear, but embrace and enjoy your singleness, don’t mourn it. This is a time to grow, not stagnate. As a single adult, seek out positive, healthy friendships that provide acceptance and help you to be a better person.

10. Take good care of yourself. Divorce or breakup recovery is a stressful, painful and life-changing process. When people are going through fundamental life changes, they must take care of themselves. Eat well, exercise and get the sleep you need. Rediscover an old hobby or activity you used to enjoy.

Reconnect with some of your old friends and associates. Invite others into your life. Don’t let the walls close in on you. Get out more often. Create new experiences. Without creating new experiences you might continue in your old negative patterns and you don’t need that. Enjoy today!

Although recovering from divorce or a breakup is not easy, you can begin again with hope and a new vibrancy for life. Do you believe your future can be better than your past? The answer to that depends on you.

Please leave your comments below this blog or email them to me at the below address.

With Hope,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Lonely,But Never Alone

Millions think that loneliness is a solvable problem and the solution is usually a person.
The reasoning goes something like this, ‘When’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.’ So, 4o million lonely hearts each week pursue someone online to take their loneliness away. This pursuit takes a lot of time and it can be empty and exhausting.

In the movie Jerry McGuire, Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone; you’ve never been alone.” Many believe the same thing about themselves. Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness.

Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

The reality is that all of us experience loneliness regardless of our relationship status.

A different perspective about loneliness can possibly change your life.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide your own list of reasons or definition. It would be extremely helpful to know there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others.
The problem is we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach our own meaning to loneliness and its’ consequences, don’t we?  Much of our perception of loneliness comes from our unfortunate dysfunctional upbringing and from societal assumptions from popular culture like…

I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved by marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others.

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd. Albert Einstein said, “It’s strange that you can be known all around the world, but be so lonely.”

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but they have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers.”

What do you do when you’re alone and feel sorry for yourself?
After a tremendous victory over the false prophets of Baal (I Kings 18:16-39) the prophet Elijah was stretched to the max by the confrontation on Mt. Carmel; his nerves were fried and he was hungry, thirsty and weary. Deeply distraught he prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,take my life.”

Elijah left his servant behind and journeyed into the wilderness all alone which made his situation even worse. Now alone, he had a pity party telling God he was the only faithful Jew in Israel. At was at this point that he made his worst decision of his life in his weakest hour. No wonder Jesus sent out the disciples out in twos.

n times of fear and aloneness we need somebody to talk to and pray with to help give us clear perspective on our situation.  Like Elijah we can make poor decisions when we’re alone. In times like this we are especially vulnerable to the culture’s exploitation of relationships.

God is patient and worked with Elijah and brought him back to reality. God provided for him right where he was at and spoke to him in a still small voice. Thank God He is longsuffering towards his children and speaks to us when we are feeling hurt and alone. He can do the same for you!

What To Do You When You're Lonely?

There is epidemic of loneliness in the U.S.
Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness. Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

Webster’s simply says loneliness is ‘being without company.’ Countless hit songs from ‘Only the Lonely’ to, ‘Lonely, I’m so lonely’ provided plenty of income for song writers. There’s a reason millions related to the chorus of an old song from ‘A World without Love’
Please lock me away and don’t allow the day, here inside, where I hide with my loneliness

Many who experience loneliness are careful not to let people know they are. Millions think that their loneliness will go away by finding someone to take it away and so the search begins. The reasoning goes like this, ‘when’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married then I won’t be lonely anymore.

Unfortunately, many lonely hearts pursue the countless online offers that exploit their need for companionship. The pursuit takes a lot of your time and it can be utterly empty. For millions when their fantasy of thinking that someone will take away their loneliness does not become a reality they become so pessimistic that they don’t believe that a good relationship is even possible. Not true.

Regardless of your relationship status taking another look at loneliness can help us all, it might even change your life perspective. There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide a list of the many empty and dissatisfying things people do when they’re feeling lonely. Too many make poor decisions when they’re lonely. When you feel lonely what do you do and where do you go?

Many think that loneliness is a solvable problem and all they need to do is find the key, a person, and it will be solved once and for all. So, I’ll find someone to solve my loneliness and the search is on. No wonder 40 million go on line each week searching for their some kind of wonderful. Remember the scene from Jerry McGuire when Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone; you’ve never been alone…” Many believe the same thing about themselves.

Yet, there is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.
Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others.

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd.

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers…”
Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others.

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved my marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

The problem is we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach meaning and the consequences to loneliness, don’t we? Much of our perception of loneliness comes from our unfortunate dysfunctional upbringing and from societal assumptions from popular culture, like…

I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Join us next time for some practical answers to what you need to do when you’re lonely?