Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last blog looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. Let’s discover a few cautions and red flags of online dating:

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 
For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that were over 40.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.
Online long distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example,  the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Signals
If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance:
Offers excuses not to meet their family or friends * Manipulates your emotions
Note: 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other
Pressures for physical intimacy * Served time in jail *Asks to borrow money
Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls
Listed on a state or national sex offender registry
Appears on America’s Most Wanted – I’m kidding, but you’d be surprised

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?
Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator.

Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities. For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient.Why would they want to waste two hours of their time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group and risk that nobody they’re interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?
In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community. People hunger for real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening your current friendships and or/seek ‘new’ reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging and challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance takes time to develop. Invest in people.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs are met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5:15-17  

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Online Dating

I hope you enjoyed the last blog on Online Dating. If you’re not a single adult forward this blog to someone else who care about who could benefit from these blogs?  Despite all the differing opinions there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

As a former single adult pastor I’ve seen the up and the downside of online dating. Today, 2 out of 5 relationships begin online and people who once were reluctant to admit they used online dating are rarer.

While researching this vast complicated and emotionally charged subject over the years, especially for Christians, I have discovered perhaps along with you, that there is lot of conflicting information about online dating. In the process of writing this blog I came across an article entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” in the Atlantic Monthly that is worth reading.

Although a very pragmatic article, it has a lot of good factual data that offers fairly objective critiques of the scientific matchmaking of eHarmony, Match.com and Chemistry.com. The article raises important questions about the data these scientists are collecting on relationships and personality types.

These web sites all have full time staff PhDs in the social sciences, anthropology, and psychology that are constantly polling and testing thousands of willing participants that will help people find their best possible match.

Of course this research and development helps these sites become successful, but is all this test tube data reliable and does it take out the mystique of romance and remove the human factor of face-to-face connection?  Remember while the data can be very helpful, it will never be infallible.  According to some there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

Advantages:

•          Meeting people existing outside social networks where they would otherwise never meet
•          Meeting more people quicker with similar core values, faith, interests, background and preferences
•         Offers privacy and confidentiality (turns out now this is not necessarily true)
•      More convenient than other ways of trying to meet people
•          Safer than many other conventional dating methods

The advantage to ‘scientific’ online dating isn’t to come up with some foolproof formula for romantic connection, but it can offer a safeguard to prevent you from making a poor choice.

Disadvantages:

·        People lie about themselves. 61% of users report concerns about members misrepresenting themselves.

According to Lori Gottlieb, the author of the article How Do I Love Thee? says, “Women tend to lie in their profiles about their weight and their age. And men tend to lie about their height and how much hair they have. That just seems to be a given. But there are other things that people may lie about as well—and I use the word "lie" loosely. They may answer questions in a way that's sort of fudging the truth a little bit…

• Users hide information about themselves and one cannot know for certain someone’s true character.They may not tell things about them you need to know
• Geographical distance makes physical closeness difficult, if not impossible
• Increased potential for identity theft.
• The speed of the online relationship cannot ensure you’re seeing a person for who they really are and all you need to know about someone’s past experiences
• Wasted resources.  A third of all online dating users have never met anyone face to face as a result of their time, efforts and money.

Please know these recent blogs are not endorsements of any kind. In a few days you won’t want to miss our last blog of this series as we look at the cautions and red flags of online dating and some concluding thoughts. 

Please feel free to share your comments below. If you would like to share any experiences on a personal level please feel free to email me at: mark@startingoverworkshops.com  If your experiences are used in a blog they will be used anonymously.

A Word About Online Dating

A word about online dating. Improvement for Husbandry and Trade periodical featured an ad by John Hewton stating he wanted to share his destiny with a young lady and they could “come to an agreement about the details.”

The year was 1695. Such ads were exclusive to men in those days. Despite this, in 1795, the courageous Helen Morrison, searching for a life partner, placed an ad in the Manchester Weekly Journal.  The town Mayor promptly arrested her and held her for four weeks
As Bob Dylan sang, “The times they are a-changin.” Yes, they sure have changed.

Looking for Love Online is BIG BUSINESS!
Today, anyone can go on-line seeking everything from an activity buddy to a life partner. The Beatles wailed, “Money can’t buy you love.” Don’t try telling that to the masses.  Looking for the ‘date’ and the search for on line love (or whatever it is) rakes in billions in revenue every year.

There are 40 million Americans using online dating websites and those users range from young to old. The share of 18 to 24 year-olds who report having used online dating has nearly tripled in the last two years. Today 27% of these young adults report that they have done so, up from just 10% in early 2013. Meanwhile, the share of 55 to 64 year-olds who use online dating has doubled over the same time period (from 6% in 2013 to 12% in 2015).

41% of Americans know someone who uses online dating; 29% know someone who has met a spouse or long-term partner via online dating.

Match.Com  brings in about one billion in annual revenue with 15 million users, six million of them logging in daily to find love, with a mere 1.5% success rate. Match determines success as “a relationship that developed as a result of the site.” With 10 million users in 2006, eHarmony reported 33K marriages, a puny 1%.  Since eHarmony defines success as “a match resulting in marriage” by their own terms, 99% of their users failed.

On line dating sites make it possible for millions of singles…and countless non-singles who purport to be single, to connect with one another in a quest for various forms of companionship. It falls to the consumer to determine whether or not it’s worth the effort.

Financial expense and success ratios are but two considerations in a line of criteria to help singles come to their own conclusion about the real value of online dating. So, what do you think?

If you’ve got a story to share (I’ll keep it confidential and possibly use it in a future blog without your name attached) let me hear from you at:  mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Don't miss our next blog that will examine the advantages and disadvantages of online dating. You can also comment below as well.

Starting Over Fall WorkshopColorado Springs, CO

September 11 - October 16 Register here

The Perfect Match

Millions are inundated with the myth that there is a perfect match for them. Somewhere ‘out there’ is the perfect match for me, my true soul mate, the person who fits me like a glove, who fits my soul the way a key fits into a lock.

Every week over 30 million are on the elusive search for the perfect match. So, one turns over every stone or possible lead only to discover after an exhausting pursuit, ‘it just isn’t so.’ Then, after their empty pursuit many become pessimistic, “Where have all the good guys gone?” Some even come to a place of despair and hopelessness desperately wanting something or someone.

Our longings for someone is strong and the thought of our future can become painful. Many philosophers, theologians and psychologists have written that the soul cannot survive for long in a state of despair, but we find a way to manage it by resignation. Learning to accept the inevitability of our circumstances with serenity is a good course of action, although definitely not easy.

But resignation alone cannot sustain a life
The writer Ernest Hemingway (don’t let the romanticized Hemingway’s role in in the Midnight in Paris fool you) said, “Sooner or later, the world breaks everyone, and those who are broken are strongest in the broken places.”

Sometimes that is true
But sometimes people write nice things they hope to be true only to find they don’t help. Hemingway himself didn’t get stronger and ended his own life because his pain was too great.

But, there is always HOPE which is not based on circumstances, but rather in God.
Many hope for a lot of things, but the good news is that hope can be experienced. Hanging around hopeful people can really help too.  Yet, none of us can ensure that things will work out the way we want them to, but we can ask ourselves, ”How would the person I want to be face this situation?”

We might not be able to change our situation, but many of our situations are temporary and the person you are becoming will go on. You have to live with you. What are you going to do about your circumstance or better yet, who are you going to become through it?

Adversity can change your priorities about what really matters. Billy Bean, former GM of the Oakland Athletics, whose character was portrayed in the Academy Award nominated movie ’Money Ball’, decided his daughter was worth more than the highest paid GM in baseball (12M).

Disappointment and adversity can point us in a different direction.
While I was teaching a Bible study in a prison I met several who pointed themselves in a different direction. Their circumstance helped them see what was really important in life. A few were formerly rich and had traveled the world, but told me if they were to visit one more place before they die it wouldn’t be luxurious places, but rather their prison cell where they met God.

Hope points us beyond ourselves.
In a difficult world where at times it can seem that nothing is going up we may ask, “What’s going up for me?” One thing that can ‘go up’ in our lives is the opportunity for you and me to trust God. Our trust in God can always can go up! It isn’t easy, but it’s wide open because God’s grace and His love are always available!

For more about meaningful relationships check out our blogs on ‘Dating’

Lonely,But Never Alone

Millions think that loneliness is a solvable problem and the solution is usually a person.
The reasoning goes something like this, ‘When’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.’ So, 4o million lonely hearts each week pursue someone online to take their loneliness away. This pursuit takes a lot of time and it can be empty and exhausting.

In the movie Jerry McGuire, Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone; you’ve never been alone.” Many believe the same thing about themselves. Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness.

Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

The reality is that all of us experience loneliness regardless of our relationship status.

A different perspective about loneliness can possibly change your life.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide your own list of reasons or definition. It would be extremely helpful to know there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others.
The problem is we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach our own meaning to loneliness and its’ consequences, don’t we?  Much of our perception of loneliness comes from our unfortunate dysfunctional upbringing and from societal assumptions from popular culture like…

I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved by marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others.

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd. Albert Einstein said, “It’s strange that you can be known all around the world, but be so lonely.”

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but they have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers.”

What do you do when you’re alone and feel sorry for yourself?
After a tremendous victory over the false prophets of Baal (I Kings 18:16-39) the prophet Elijah was stretched to the max by the confrontation on Mt. Carmel; his nerves were fried and he was hungry, thirsty and weary. Deeply distraught he prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,take my life.”

Elijah left his servant behind and journeyed into the wilderness all alone which made his situation even worse. Now alone, he had a pity party telling God he was the only faithful Jew in Israel. At was at this point that he made his worst decision of his life in his weakest hour. No wonder Jesus sent out the disciples out in twos.

n times of fear and aloneness we need somebody to talk to and pray with to help give us clear perspective on our situation.  Like Elijah we can make poor decisions when we’re alone. In times like this we are especially vulnerable to the culture’s exploitation of relationships.

God is patient and worked with Elijah and brought him back to reality. God provided for him right where he was at and spoke to him in a still small voice. Thank God He is longsuffering towards his children and speaks to us when we are feeling hurt and alone. He can do the same for you!

Five Types of People You Should Marry

Please enjoy this follow up blog by Debra Fileta.

“Did you receive confirmation when you met your husband?”

I had just finished up speaking to a group of singles in their twenties and thirties, when a young woman came up to me with this question.

For a moment, my mind blanked as I tried to figure out what she meant. Was she talking about confirmation like with my airline tickets? Or maybe that class Catholic kids take?

And then it dawned on me: She meant “confirmation” from God. As in: “Did God give you some sort of a sign when you met your husband that he was the one you were going to marry?”

“No, actually,” I said.

She looked surprised. So I quickly explained.

When it comes to relationships, so many people are waiting for that magical moment. But whether or not that magical moment even exists, it can’t be trusted, because it’s not “confirmation”—it’s feelings.

 When I met my husband for the first time, I had no clue he would be my husband. Read More...

Five People You Should Never Marry

Enjoy this blog by guest blogger Debra Fileta. 

Have you ever been in a situation where all the facts told you it’s not going to work, but you tried to make it work anyway?

I definitely have.

think of the time I traveled overseas and attempted to cram my luggage with about 10 pounds more than I should have. A few hours later, I was dealing with a busted bag and my stuff strewn across the airport floor, just moments before my flight.

But even more applicable, I think of the different guys I dated in my twenties, who were loaded with yellow and even red flags. I wanted to be in a relationship so badly that I downplayed the warning signs and tried to make it work. Thank God He spared me and gave me the wisdom to move away before things got serious.

A lot of us do the same thing when it comes to choosing relationships. Whether we’re swept away by emotion or driven by our fear of failure, we often walk into a relationship or stay in a relationship in which all the facts clearly tell us, "It ain’t gonna work.” Yet we try to make it work anyway.

But the thing about healthy relationships is that...Continue reading..

What To Do You When You're Lonely?

There is epidemic of loneliness in the U.S.
Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness. Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

Webster’s simply says loneliness is ‘being without company.’ Countless hit songs from ‘Only the Lonely’ to, ‘Lonely, I’m so lonely’ provided plenty of income for song writers. There’s a reason millions related to the chorus of an old song from ‘A World without Love’
Please lock me away and don’t allow the day, here inside, where I hide with my loneliness

Many who experience loneliness are careful not to let people know they are. Millions think that their loneliness will go away by finding someone to take it away and so the search begins. The reasoning goes like this, ‘when’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married then I won’t be lonely anymore.

Unfortunately, many lonely hearts pursue the countless online offers that exploit their need for companionship. The pursuit takes a lot of your time and it can be utterly empty. For millions when their fantasy of thinking that someone will take away their loneliness does not become a reality they become so pessimistic that they don’t believe that a good relationship is even possible. Not true.

Regardless of your relationship status taking another look at loneliness can help us all, it might even change your life perspective. There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide a list of the many empty and dissatisfying things people do when they’re feeling lonely. Too many make poor decisions when they’re lonely. When you feel lonely what do you do and where do you go?

Many think that loneliness is a solvable problem and all they need to do is find the key, a person, and it will be solved once and for all. So, I’ll find someone to solve my loneliness and the search is on. No wonder 40 million go on line each week searching for their some kind of wonderful. Remember the scene from Jerry McGuire when Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone; you’ve never been alone…” Many believe the same thing about themselves.

Yet, there is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.
Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others.

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd.

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers…”
Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others.

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved my marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

The problem is we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach meaning and the consequences to loneliness, don’t we? Much of our perception of loneliness comes from our unfortunate dysfunctional upbringing and from societal assumptions from popular culture, like…

I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Join us next time for some practical answers to what you need to do when you’re lonely?

Busting Myths About Romance and Intimacy

Thanks for engaging with last week's blog. Based upon the response I thought you all might benefit from another blog about singleness. According to the 2010 U.S. Census 52% of the US adult population are not married. Because most people will be single either due to death, divorce or choice this subject matter is culturally relevant to all of us.

Today, like it or not, Americans are becoming more like Europeans and are not getting married by choice. Co-habitation is up over 500% over the last decade and the average age of first time marriages are the oldest ever in American history. If you’re married and you think this subject is not for you please think about those you care about who are not married or perhaps consider your own kid’s welfare.

To have the best possible relationships you and your friends could benefit by knowing the myths of romance and intimacy. Myths like:  thinking that someone will meet your fundamental intimacy needs, someone will make you happy and will take away your loneliness... How is loneliness different from aloneness? 

Intimacy is not marriage, it's not a destination, it's not a plateau  or a destination. Intimacy is more about direction than arrival... Last week’s blog ‘Is it Better to be Married or Single?’ and this blog and their audio links recorded 'live' at Woodmen Valley Chapel are worth your time. To listen to this life changing message click here.

Your comments are most welcome.

With Gratitude,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Is It Better to Be Married or Single?

Over the years I have been asked countless times by hundreds of people a few common questions that have spun around God’s perspective on singleness. Questions like:

What does it mean when God told Adam, “It is not good for man to be alone”? Or is it God’s will for everyone to me married?

Is there a perfect mate for me or is God a divine matchmaker?

Is singleness a spiritual gift for some?

Is marriage valued more than singleness in God’s perspective?

Unfortunately, for millions of Christ-followers around the world the answers to these questions have not adequately addressed. The answers have not been typically addressed from the pulpit or have not been adequately answered from a biblical perspective. The result of this has left a lot of myths dangling out there about singleness within churches and Christ followers.

In the 70s and early 80s the church saw the moral decline of our culture and wanted to protect the American family at any cost perhaps. A worthy cause to be sure, but in that process some churches unintentionally got to the point of almost canonizing or idolizing marriage. As the Apostle Paul admonished the Romans, “What says the scripture?” What does the Bible actually say about marriage and singleness? How does church history play into this?

When it comes to dating and mate selection, the best our culture has to offer is simply ‘good luck.’ Fortunately, God has more to say than just good luck to you and I. The result of this general malaise of confusion has been huge contributing part of the mass sea of broken relationships. In response, over the years I have given several messages on the subject of single adults in America, one of which was called the ‘The Truth About Singleness.’

While that message is not the definitive or last word on singleness from a biblical perspective it does address those myths I mentioned above. That message was recorded live at Woodmen Valley Chapel. I believe you will find it helpful so please share it with a friend. To listen click here. Please share your comments below.

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

 

Manti Te'o and Virtual Relationships

Whether you think Manti T'eo is innocent, deceived, trapped, naive or worse virtual online relationhips are real.

Consider a recent Bruce Willis movie called Surrogates which is set in a futuristic world where humans live in isolation and interact in all that they do through surrogate robots. The main character a cop, (Willis) is forced to leave his home for the first time in years.

Virtual Relationships are those where people connect online but never move the relationship into the real world.  They communicate online with no face to face interaction.

Some virtual couples shop together, pick out dogs, go to doctor appointments, even go on virtual vacations or buy homes. It’s like a relationship Monopoly game, or virtual game of Life.  The difference is many spend real dollars on these unreal dreams.

Some couples even get married online complete with showers and wedding parties, have and name children. As strange as these sounds, this is true in this crazy mixed up world we live in. For any number of reasons, people settle for relationships without an element of human interaction. They pursue the least possible relationship effort at a minimal cost personally, emotionally and financially.

One user said of her virtual online relationships, “If someone is getting on your nerves or too clingy, just go offline. It’s like having a remote and you push all the buttons. You can turn them off when you want to, like a dream come true without all the hassles of a real relationship. No messy tears, no pleading or begging, just click off and never hear from them again.”

Sounds so utilitarian, hard and callous, but not really that unusual for today’s cultural mindset. Use me, abuse me and then put me out into the cyberspace pasture. Like lyrics to a bad country song or perhaps a bumper sticker? If you get tired of someone, simply look for a ‘new and improved’ version out there somewhere online.

It can happen to anyone. Has it happened to you?  What are the game rules? Or are there any rules?  Singles, share your comments below as we unpack the implications of Virtual Relationships together.

Click these links or more on online dating, and emotional entanglement. Please know these  blogs are not endorsements of any kind. Want to share some of your insights? You can also email me below.

Mark
mark@markskalberg.com

Restoring and Maintaining Your Emotional Health

Due the Waldo Canyon fires and its’ impact it has been over two months since the last blog from the series ‘Relationships: Connecting the Dots. The series began way back in May with Love’s Illusions and the 3 E’s of Love to the last part entitled Emotional Entanglements between Men and Women in mid June just before the fire. Please accept our apology for taking so long to come back to it.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements. In order to benefit you the most please refer to the previous blogs to have the right context for this blog.

Restoring Your Emotional Health

First, in order to restore my emotional health I need to acknowledge that my emotional health needs to be restored and maintained. Now, most of us think we’re fairly smart when it comes to relationships, we know what we’re doing, yet the stats show otherwise. I’m hoping that you would agree that most of can use some help when it comes to having the best possible relationships.

I need to acknowledge I really do need help. The Apostle Paul (Romans 7:15-19) openly admitted he needed help. Should it be any different with you and me? I know it sounds old, but how many times as a friend or a pastor have I heard something like, “____ talks to me like no one ever has, I feel so alive and exhilarated, it just has to be right, I know it,” and the rest is history.

Secondly, I need to take action immediately if I want to be on an intentional healthy path. In 1914 Sir Ernest Shackleton’s amazing expedition of Antarctica came to a very decisive point after having to abandon their ship the Endurance when it became stuck and eventually crushed in the ice. Thus far, they had taken about 475 photos preserved on glass which would be eventually sold and published around the world of the never before scenes of the brutal, but beautiful continent.

Shackleton made the choice of destroying many of the irreplaceable photos so he wouldn’t be tempted to go back later for them and risk the lives of his men. He made a courageous decision. There are times we have to take similar action to make the hard choices now to stay on the path of health. Say no to those unhealthy patterns that have gotten you in the situation you would rather not be in.

Thirdly, seek an accountable same sex friend for counsel who can honestly process your struggles with you. Get help from a competent therapist if needed. Have the guts to admit you can’t go it alone, that you need help a confidant.

Fourthly, get in community where you can be encouraged, challenged and equipped to stay on the path of good relational choices.

Maintaining your Emotional HealthBeing a compassionate giving person and desiring to meet the needs of others by listening are admirable traits. But when our listening lacks discernment we can get in big trouble.   While we may feel flattered if we hear,”I’m struggling with my feelings for you” or the lingering touch from a married person or another unavailable person we need to walk away or change the conversation quickly. Don’t cave in to the alluring comment. 

When you seek relational counsel from someone don’t just ask any friend, especially with an opposite sex friend who might have a subtle hidden agenda. You might feel a friend is well meaning, but perhaps your friend’s counsel is flawed. Use wise discernment when it comes to counsel.

The majority of American adults today are single. Yet, we live in a couples oriented culture that promotes and can even pressure you to believe that your significance is only when you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex. Think of FB’s status posts “in a relationship.” Unfortunately, this makes it easier and more acceptable to have unhealthy relationships.

Too many spend so much time looking for the right person they spend little or no time in becoming person.  It’s understandable that many desire to married or have someone in their lives for God has wired us to be in relationship, in a community.

We all want to love us, to belong to someone, to be loved and to love. The truth is you already are. YOU are deeply loved by God! The cry of your heart is the faint echo of God’s love for YOU! He looks for ways to convey His extravagant love to you. His love is far more passionate than any passionate person you’ll ever meet.

God gave Himself for YOU in every imaginable way. It took a whole lot of passion to show His love for YOU. Just look at the cross. What passionate lover has given their life for you? There’s only ONE and His love wants you to know how to restore and maintain your emotional health now and in the future.

Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Mark
mark@recoveryafterdivorce.com

Emotional Entanglements Between Men & Women: Part 2-The Causes

by Mark Skalberg and Dianna Steele 

Celtic knots fascinate and mystify me. No matter how long I stare at one I’m unable to figure out where it begins or ends.  Emotional entanglements may also leave us mystified, asking “How did this happen?”  We may be clueless where an entanglement actually began or how to exit it.

In our last blog we discussed Danger Signs of Emotional Entanglements between men & women, signals along relationship routes warning us of impending collision, all related to how we approach relationships.  This blog focuses on recognizing common causes of emotional entanglements in ourselves so that we may be on guard against them.
CAUSES of Emotional Entanglements:

~Vulnerability- When vulnerability clouds judgment, we miss red flags telling us a relationship is unhealthy or moving too fast.  As a result we don’t make good decisions.  While openness and trust are essential for healthy relationships, choosing carefully when & with whom we risk vulnerability is crucial.

~Inappropriate disclosure- First cousin to vulnerability is disclosing personal information too quickly to people who knowingly or unknowingly use it to their advantage and to our disadvantage. Sadly, not everyone is safe. We must exercise caution, not trusting people at will, but only after they prove trustworthy.  Trust requires time to develop. An additional caution regarding inappropriate disclosure: if a person we’re considering disclosing distressing personal matters to is opposite gender & married, Don’t.  Many emotional entanglements begin with this type of “harmless sharing”.

~Blind spots- When we fail to recognize our weakness and deal with them we may justify gravitating toward unhealthy relationships, telling ourselves: “I deserve better, I can’t take it any longer, I’m tired of being alone.”  You may be hurt, weary, disappointed, afraid and not even realize it. What sends you in search of distractions? Do you know your Achilles’ heal? If not, give permission to an objective, truthful friend to speak into your weaknesses and hold you accountable to work on them.

~Denial- This can’t be wrong when it feels so right. Ya think? Suppose a parent allows their child to eat ice cream for lunch then skip dinner because he’s not hungry. Later the child has a horrible stomach ache.  Not desiring what was good for him, he received a poor substitute for what he truly needed and he felt worse.

Like the Pavlovian dog we hear the bell and respond to it. James 1:14-15. The evil one manipulates our need and promises what he can’t deliver. Denial and rationalization of unhealthy relationships prolongs pain and we’ll keep getting what we’ve been getting. Better to be honest with self and work through unresolved issues while purposing to live with integrity and honesty.

~Emotional Pain-  Pain stemming from rejection, a lack of self worth or a lack of intimacy with God and others can lead to desperation and looking for love in all the wrong places. Kind of sounds like a country song.  Again, this is where a trusted same-gender friend with listening ears or a pastor or even a godly Counselor makes all the difference.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  Proverbs 12:15

~Attitudes-  Three common attitudes may lead to emotional entanglements.

Entitlement: “I have a right to …”  By telling ourselves we deserve a relationship with someone who affirms us we set ourselves up for a false intimacy and emotional entanglements.  The temptation for entitlement thinkers is to blow right past righteous conduct in favor of immediate gratification.  “One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless” Proverbs 14:16

Ingratitude:  In looking at what we don’t have rather than expressing gratitude for God’s goodness in our lives we lose sight of blessings right under our nose and we become like the grumbling Israelites, “They forgot what He had done, the wonders he had shown them.” Psalm 78:11 

Boredom: Like Solomon an attitude of boredom can spur trivial pursuits of unsatisfying pleasure. “Anything I saw and wanted, I got for myself; I did not miss any pleasure I desired.”  Ecclesiastes 2:10. Solomon went on to lament his elusive pursuit as “chasing after the wind.”

We could write an entire blog on attitudes alone and their impact on emotional entanglements.  We cannot stress enough the importance of right attitudes and of “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” II Corinthians 10:5 before our attitudes take us captive, dragging us into painful entanglements.

Lack of security and significance- Each of us has an internal hunger for significance.  Moving in a wrong direction to satisfy that hunger could easily lead to emotional entanglements.  More on this in the next blog.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements before they tie us up like Celtic knots.  In our next blog, Restoring and Maintaining your Emotional Health, we’ll explore some of those ways.  To order audio messages of this series on CD, click here. 

Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating. Help for you or someone you know. http://ow.ly/5HIae

Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last few blogs looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. In the midst of informational overload about online dating, let’s consider a few cautions and red flags.

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 

For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that age.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.

Online long-distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example, the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Warning Signals

If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance.

Offers excuses not to meet family or friends.

Refuses to make calls from their home. 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other

Pressures for physical intimacy

Served time in jail.

Asks to borrow money.

Manipulates your emotions.

Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls.

Listed on a state or national sex offender registry.

Appears on America’s Most Wanted (Kidding! But you’d be surprised.)

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?

Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator. Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities.

For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient. I can avoid getting ready for the date. Why would I want to waste two hours of my time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group, or some bar and risk that nobody I'm interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?

In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community.

What do people really hunger for? Real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening our current friendships and or/seek new reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging, challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance take time to develop.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”
Ephesians 5:15-17  

Online Dating - Part 3

Hope you enjoyed the last blogs on Virtual Relationships and Online Dating. As a single adult pastor and personally involved in all aspects of single adult issues for over 16 years I am well aware of the impact of online dating. Today, 1 out of 5 relationships begin online and people who once were reluctant to admit they used online dating services are no longer.

While researching this vast complicated and emotionally charged subject over the years, especially for Christians, I have discovered perhaps along with you, that there is lot of conflicting information about online dating. In the process of writing this blog I came across an article entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” in the Atlantic Monthly that I thought you might find helpful.

Although a secular and pragmatic article, it has a lot of good factual data regarding online dating and offers fairly objective critiques of the scientific matchmaking of eHarmony, Match.com and Chemistry.com.

The article raises important questions about the data these scientists are collecting on relationships and personality types.

These web sites all have full time staff PhDs in the social sciences, anthropology, and psychology that is constantly polling and testing thousands of willing participants that will help people find their best possible match.

Of course this research and development helps these sites become successful, but is all this test tube data reliable and does it take out the mystique of romance and remove the human factor of face-to-face connection?  Remember while the data can be very helpful, it will never be infallible. 
According to some there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

Advantages: ~Meeting people existing outside social networks where they would otherwise never meet.
~Meeting people with similar interests, background, and preferences.
~Offers privacy and confidentiality (turns out now this is not necessarily true).
~More convenient than other ways of trying to meet people
~Safer than many other conventional dating methods

The advantage to ‘scientific’ online dating isn’t to come up with some foolproof formula for romantic connection, but it can offer a safeguard to prevent you from making a poor choice.

Disadvantages:

~People lie about themselves. 61% of users report concerns about members misrepresenting themselves.

According to Lori Gottlieb, the author of the article How Do I Love Thee? says, “Women tend to lie in their profiles about their weight and their age. And men tend to lie about their height and how much hair they have. That just seems to be a given. But there are other things that people may lie about as well—and I use the word "lie" loosely. They may answer questions in a way that's sort of fudging the truth a little bit…”

~Users hide information about themselves and one cannot know for certain someone’s true character. They may not tell things about them you need to know.

~Distance makes physical closeness difficult, if not impossible.

~Increased potential for identity theft.

~Wasted resources.  A third of all online dating users have never met anyone face to face as a result of their time, efforts and money.

Please know these recent blogs are not endorsements of any kind. In a few days you won’t want to miss our last blog of this series as we look at the cautions and red flags of online dating and some concluding thoughts.

Please feel free to share your comments below. If you would like to share any experiences on a personal level please feel free to email me at: mark@recoveryafterdivorce.com  If your experiences are used in a blog they will be used anonymously.

Mark

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