Too Busy To think About Us

Don Henley of the The Eagles wrote, "you're just too busy being fabulous, too busy to think about us." We are busy and Jesus was busy too, but His busyness didn't intentionally hurt others. He was in such high demand that at times he didn’t have time to eat. Sound familiar? All of us have times and seasons when we cannot avoid being busy. The more important question is what we are busy with and why?

Does our busyness hurt others? Here are few other realities we can learn from the life of Jesus.

Take Time Out
Because Jesus knew what was most important and how to prioritize He could say no. He also knew the importance of taking time out to be alone with God. There was a rhythm to the way He lived. Jesus would go away to a lonely place to pray and then re-engage in mission with those in need. He encouraged the apostles to do the same thing beckoning them in Mark 6:31 to “come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

If we’re not careful we can become so distracted and rushed and preoccupied that we will settle for a mediocre faith. I love what John Ortberg said, “If we want to follow someone, we can’t go faster than the one who is leading.”

Live Simpler
“He was born with nothing, lived with little and died with nothing. His simplicity was not accidental. He chose to live simply.” Richard Swenson

What Jesus said lacked value is precisely what the world chases – wealth, power, and status. Our life does not consist of the abundance of things we possess. Luke 12:15 If our busyness is a by- product of the material pursuit of trying to keep up with The Joneses contentment will be unattainable.

The Right Kind of Busy
There is a right kind busy. Some have called it a ‘holy busyness’ that is oriented towards God. Jesus’ life mission statement of “everything I do pleases the Father” (John 5:30) was reflected in everything He said and did. Hear the hard working words of the evangelist, church planter and manual laborer the apostle Paul:

No, I worked harder than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10. He knew his holy busyness came from the grace of God.

To this end I labor, struggling with all His energy, which so powerfully works in me. Colossians 1:29.

Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God. 2 Corinthians 3:5  Strength and determination begins with God, not with what we do.  

Even as we look to the life of Christ for answers, we can see that having His priorities in order didn’t mean Jesus wasn’t busy. “Jesus often had much to do, but He never did it in a way that severed the life-giving connection between Him and the Father. Jesus never did it in a way that interfered with his ability to give love when love was called for” writes Ortberg.

There is a difference between being purposefully busy—the sort of busy that provides fulfillment and seeks to accomplish the good work we’ve been called to and being rushed, distracted, and weary.

Kevin DeYoung put this way, “The busyness that’s bad is not the busyness of work, but the busyness that works hard at the wrong things.” 

We can reduce our destructive busyness and develop a right kind of busy – one that shows love and compassion to those around us rather focusing on our personal to do lists. May our busyness reflect what’s most important by choosing the eternal over the temporal and taking hold of the promise of Jesus in Mathew 11:28, “Come onto me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”

Boundaries That Encourage Respect and Intimacy

In our last blog we looked at the benefits of having and applying clear boundaries in our lives. Here are a few more boundaries that can help you experience mutual respect and deeper relationships that will last.

What you think about:Mk.7:21-23  The real battles we face are in our minds. Most of us struggle with this area. Our thoughts are simply difficult to control and often come
unannounced. When fatigued or overwhelmed with circumstances or in a weakened state, we become more vulnerable and tend to risk far more than we thought we were willing to.

This desperate desire for connection will often cloud our judgment and our memories of past experience. We can easily forget that any interest from someone else can provoke deep feelings of exhilaration and consequent regrets afterwards.

If the truth be known, most of have or can be controlled by our ‘thought-life’. This is nothing brilliant to suggest, but you and I need to replace our unrealistic fantasies with real affirming truths from God.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 TM

Keep relationships on neutral ground:
He who guards his way guards his life. Proverbs 16:17b

For those who inevitably found themselves in places of regret in past relationships, its best to meet on neutral ground or in a public place. A place where there are no closed doors. In order to avoid misunderstandings in your dating relationships set curfews for each other’s homes.

When we seclude ourselves from our friends, wise counsel and have no accountability with our relationships it’s not rocket science where that can lead.

Keep Relationships Focused Outward: Proverbs 16:3  
It’s understandable that a new relationship can be exciting and invigorating, but if it is only focused on itself it can become too inward focused. Good relationships cannot sustain themselves by themselves, they inevitably need others in their lives for vitality and balance.

Too much inward focus brings an unhealthy dependence on the other person who cannot meet all your needs. This unknowing expectation is simply unrealistic for most couples and leads to all kinds of misunderstanding.

When relationships become so ingrown often one person feels trapped and wants to run to their friends. When we lose our good friends for an exclusive relationship we lose a lot. Be forward thinking and find balance before a significant relationship develops.

When you recognize the characteristics of dangerous sexual people (male or female) and live with clear boundaries, you’ll experience:

Mutual respect and support of your boundaries
So don’t get your signals crossed and keep your boundaries and expectations reasonable. If you only limit your friendships to the same sex you’re missing perspective.

Real intimacy
Unfortunately, our culture has portrayed intimacy as solely sexual. Intimacy is a close association over a long period of time. So, allow time for relationships to develop.

Don’t be in a hurry. Intimacy is not a destination, but a journey. Take time, slow down and develop intimacy with your friends and family.

Emotional and spiritual growth
Prioritize and develop your relationship with God. Make choices not to allow your relationships to compete with God. Unfortunately and unknowingly, we can allow our relationships to replace our relationship God. It’s not fair to put anyone in the place of God.

Now, be willing to be available to God by allowing Him to use all your abilities, skills and passion to help others for His sake. As you do, you’ll discover richer and more genuine relationships.

Want to add something to the discussion? Your comments are welcome below.

With Hope,

Mark

mark@recoveryafterdivorce.com

Healthy Boundaries

As a pastor over the years, especially to thousands of single adults I’ve personally seen the devastation of broken hearts that spin out of sexual relationships.

Even though many would agree that there is much cultural mushiness about sexual boundaries it’s not a subject most would want to talk about. Without boundaries, millions regardless of age, experience unnecessary disappointment and pain. There are no exemptions.

We all know that sexual abuse produces both victims and addicts with equal opportunity. I’ll spare you the sobering stats of what the lack of sexual boundaries has done to countless lives.

What are boundaries? From their book Boundaries: When to say YES and when to say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, authors Townsend and Cloud say, “having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not.”

Boundaries impact the mental, emotional and sexual areas of our lives. Emotional and sexual boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?

Here is the good news.

You can have the best possible healthy relationships by living according to three aspects of sexual boundaries:

First, recognize the characteristics of sexually dangerous people. Often times these characteristics can be very subtle at first, but manipulative users can be: charismatic, in positions of trust, share their whole sexual history right out of the gate, and constantly violate your stated boundaries.

They seek what they can get from you not what they can give you. They use you and move on to someone else. They see you as an object not as a relationship. They try you out emotionally and sexually if you let them.

They can spot your vulnerabilities and draw you in like a magnet with their radiating sexuality. Often times these persons create a kind of indebtedness like, “I’ll fix your car, house…” and later…

Secondly, have and apply clear boundaries. Setting them in advance will reduce your embarrassment and disappointment. Here are a few boundaries that can help:

Keep relationships clear. 1 Peter 5:8 Because not all people have the same limits having fuzzy boundaries creates confusion if you don’t. If you work with an unavailable, but an attractive and enjoyable person get it clear soon for the both of you.
Keep relationships clean. Lies will get any man into trouble, but honesty is its own defense. Pr.12:13. Tell the truth, but that doesn’t mean being transparent in all areas too soon. Have discretion, emotional transparency all at once is not a trait to broadcast. Keeping boundaries clean helps keep them clear.
Where and how you look. Pr. 4:25-27  Looking can’t be prevented, but how and what you do with it can. What you wear can send a message you might not want to convey as well. Make wise choices with what you choose to view. As the psalmist said, “keep my eyes from worthless things.”
What you say. Ephesians 4:29; James 3:5-6 Your words can set you up for a relational shipwreck. Be mindful of how and what you say in your significant relationships. Be slow to speak and quick to listen…
Where you go. Pr.7:21-23, 25,27  Often caving-in occurs in specific places and times. If it’s a place where you have a history of failing with no conscious thought of the long term or short term consequences, make a better choice. It’s not fate, it is your choice…

Stay tuned. For the conclusion of ‘sexual boundaries’ from ‘Emotional Entanglement’ please check out our next blog. See the previous blogs from this series called Relationships: Connecting the Dots.

Maybe you might want this series this on to a friend you care about?

With Hope,

Mark Skalberg
Mark@recoveryafterdivorce.com
Twitter: @Mark Skalberg
Face Book: Recovery after Divorce