Knowing You Are Pursued

We are not in Eden, Mayberry or Disney World.
We live in the real world where life doesn’t go as we planned. People break our hearts and we do the same. In this broken fallen world is there something that can give us a deeper sense of sustaining hope? Yes.

Despite all the bad news that comes our way when we know we are truly loved we can continue on. When we know we are truly wanted and pursued by someone it gives us hope to hang in there.

Because many of us have never felt so loved we have pursued lesser things that have left us numb and empty. Many have never been pursued or even noticed all of their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In the movie The Last of the Mochicans Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others, are trapped behind a waterfall with a rival Indian tribe closing in.

Before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora, “Just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do and no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued and rescued Cora.

God is saying the same thing to you. He believes you’re worth pursuing. The divine romancer will passionately come after you no matter where you are or how far you’ve gone! Even if you don’t want to be pursued or think you don't need it He will not give up on you.

God could have given up on His love affair with mankind. He could have demanded our loyalty or made us love Him, but he didn’t. Thankfully, we don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right.

There is nothing we need to do to make Him love us, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but whose we are. We are His.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:10

Before the foundations of the world God loved you.
He wanted you then and still does today. You are constantly on His heart. He will never forget you or get tired of you. His passionate love for you will never be exhausted. May God always be your ultimate place of hope!

Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last blog looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. Let’s discover a few cautions and red flags of online dating:

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 
For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that were over 40.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.
Online long distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example,  the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Signals
If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance:
Offers excuses not to meet their family or friends * Manipulates your emotions
Note: 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other
Pressures for physical intimacy * Served time in jail *Asks to borrow money
Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls
Listed on a state or national sex offender registry
Appears on America’s Most Wanted – I’m kidding, but you’d be surprised

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?
Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator.

Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities. For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient.Why would they want to waste two hours of their time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group and risk that nobody they’re interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?
In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community. People hunger for real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening your current friendships and or/seek ‘new’ reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging and challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance takes time to develop. Invest in people.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs are met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5:15-17  

A Word About Online Dating

A word about online dating. Improvement for Husbandry and Trade periodical featured an ad by John Hewton stating he wanted to share his destiny with a young lady and they could “come to an agreement about the details.”

The year was 1695. Such ads were exclusive to men in those days. Despite this, in 1795, the courageous Helen Morrison, searching for a life partner, placed an ad in the Manchester Weekly Journal.  The town Mayor promptly arrested her and held her for four weeks
As Bob Dylan sang, “The times they are a-changin.” Yes, they sure have changed.

Looking for Love Online is BIG BUSINESS!
Today, anyone can go on-line seeking everything from an activity buddy to a life partner. The Beatles wailed, “Money can’t buy you love.” Don’t try telling that to the masses.  Looking for the ‘date’ and the search for on line love (or whatever it is) rakes in billions in revenue every year.

There are 40 million Americans using online dating websites and those users range from young to old. The share of 18 to 24 year-olds who report having used online dating has nearly tripled in the last two years. Today 27% of these young adults report that they have done so, up from just 10% in early 2013. Meanwhile, the share of 55 to 64 year-olds who use online dating has doubled over the same time period (from 6% in 2013 to 12% in 2015).

41% of Americans know someone who uses online dating; 29% know someone who has met a spouse or long-term partner via online dating.

Match.Com  brings in about one billion in annual revenue with 15 million users, six million of them logging in daily to find love, with a mere 1.5% success rate. Match determines success as “a relationship that developed as a result of the site.” With 10 million users in 2006, eHarmony reported 33K marriages, a puny 1%.  Since eHarmony defines success as “a match resulting in marriage” by their own terms, 99% of their users failed.

On line dating sites make it possible for millions of singles…and countless non-singles who purport to be single, to connect with one another in a quest for various forms of companionship. It falls to the consumer to determine whether or not it’s worth the effort.

Financial expense and success ratios are but two considerations in a line of criteria to help singles come to their own conclusion about the real value of online dating. So, what do you think?

If you’ve got a story to share (I’ll keep it confidential and possibly use it in a future blog without your name attached) let me hear from you at:  mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Don't miss our next blog that will examine the advantages and disadvantages of online dating. You can also comment below as well.

Starting Over Fall WorkshopColorado Springs, CO

September 11 - October 16 Register here

The Origins of Valentine's Day

What Is Valentine’ Day?
It’s a big day for chocolates, flowers and very high expectations. 53% of women say they will end a relationship if they don't get a Valentine card, yet 85% of cards are bought by women. Men will spend twice as much as women. Americans will spend a collective $18.9 billion on candy, flowers and more gifts for the holiday.  The average American will spend 116 dollars. Perhaps you're feeling left out?

Millions wonder, Am I really special to someone else?
Millions are feeling kind of 'out of it' or disappointed. It's not just young school kids who wish they could get a Valentine card or even a note of affection. There are more tales of the "origins" of Valentine's Day than arrows in Cupid's quiver. 

Modern glorification of sentimental love is reflected in a flurry of cards (2^nd only to Xmas), millions in roses and heart shaped chocolates has little to do with Saint Valentine. 

One of the most common legends is that of the 3rd-century priest named Valentine who secretly performed marriages when Emperor Claudius II reportedly forbade marriage believing the soldiers were halfhearted and homesick. He was imprisoned for his act of defiance and while in prison cured his jailer's daughter of blindness. The day before his execution (supposedly Feb. 14, 269), he sent a farewell message to the daughter signed "From your Valentine."

The first Valentine card was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans, to his wife in 1415 when he was a prisoner in the Tower of London and is still on display at the British Museum. Even by the middle ages the church's hope for a more spiritual, saint-centered Valentine's Day was lost.

Eventually, the idea that Valentine was actually the name of a person disappeared. By 1450, a valentine was the name of one's sweetheart. In 1533, it was a folded piece of paper. In Great Britain, Valentine's Day began to be popularly celebrated around the seventeenth century.

By the middle of the eighteenth century, it was common for friends and lovers in all social classes to exchange small tokens of affection or handwritten notes. By the end of the century, printed cards began to replace written letters due to improvements in printing technology. Ready-made cards were an easy way for people to express their emotions in a time when direct expression of one's feelings was discouraged.

Cheaper postage rates also contributed to an increase in the popularity of sending Valentine's Day greetings. Americans probably began exchanging hand-made valentines in the early 1700s. In the 1840s the first mass-produced valentine cards in America. Valentine's Day has been a big deal at least since the middle ages.

While Valentine's story may not have much to do with roses, chocolates, and heart-shaped chocolates Christians have long understood that love is much costlier, stronger, and lasting and more difficult than the cheap romanticism of our age.

If you feel left out on Valentine’s Day God reminds you what true love is 

I have loved you with a an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

You are precious to me and honored and I love you. Isaiah 43:4

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:10

Grasp how wide and how long and how deep is the love of Christ. Ephesians 3:18

Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1-2

God is in a relentless passionate pursuit of YOU!  No matter who you are or where you are, no matter how far it takes He will find you! His Love will never be exhausted in His pursuit of you!

The Divine Romance

I’m struck by what I’ve just watched on the news. There are more deaths by ISIS, more racial tension, more shootings, more devastating fires and floods and political corruption. Life as usual. The broadcast ends with the smiling anchor saying, “Good night, we’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Good night? That’s it? After all you’ve just told us, it’s good night? It would be great if just once the anchor said with a deep breath, “Oh, God help us, we desperately need your help.”

We see someone we think has it all together, we wonder, how did he do it? Maybe if we read the same book he read, spent time with him, went to his church, things would come together for us as well. Really, what do we want? We want comfort and happiness, not bad news and reality.

We want to escape from… or be like…or have more…In the midst of very trying times the apostle Paul said, Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead. Be very careful how you live, not as unwise but as wise. Use your head. These are desperate evil times. Ephesians 5:14-16 

We are not in Eden, Mayberry or Disney World.
We live in the real world where life doesn’t go as we planned. People break our hearts and we do the same. In this broken fallen world is there something that can give us a deeper sense of sustaining hope? Yes.

Despite all the bad news that comes our way when we know we are truly loved we can continue on. When we know we are wanted and pursued by someone it gives us hope to hang in there. Because many of us have never felt so loved we have pursued lesser things that have left us numb and empty.

The good news is that God loves and pursues you.
Helen of Troy must have been something. Thousands were killed in the battles between Greece and Troy over who would get Helen. Would it be her husband Menalaus or Paris, Prince of Troy? Few have ever been so pursued.

Many have never been pursued or even noticed all their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In the movie The Last of the Mohicans, Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others, are trapped behind a waterfall with a rival Indian tribe closing in.

Before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora,
“just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do and no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued and rescued Cora.

God is saying the same thing to you. He believes you’re worth pursuing. The divine romancer will passionately come after you no matter where you are or how far you’ve gone! Even if you don’t want to be pursued He will not give up on you.

God could have given up on His love affair with mankind. He could have demanded our loyalty or made us love Him, but he didn’t. Thankfully, we don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right. There is nothing we need to do to make Him love us, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but whose we are. We are His.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:10

Before the foundations of the world God loved you and chose you to be in His family. Eph.1:15. He wanted you then and still does today. You are constantly on His heart. He will never forget you or get tired of you. His passionate love for you will never be exhausted. May His love for you always be your hope.

God Is Calling - Will You Answer?

The New Year is under way, and many resolutions are already being renegotiated. How this year unfolds can depend on the choices we make and what we live for. Jesus invited us to "live life more abundantly." But what does that mean?

Jesus gets to the very heart of what it means to be one of His followers in the midst of the realities of life. People ask questions about how their lives relate to the world and why are they here? These questions have been asked throughout history by those inside and outside the church.  

Christ followers are not spiritual mannequins—a form without life. How easily we can live vicariously, but we are meant be active, willful, fruit-bearing agents of God’s kingdom. Yet, far too many are living carefully, cautious, guarded, measured, numb, detached, apathetic lives? Or on the other extreme, perfect, faultless lives without blemish. Maybe you can relate to one of these adjectives?

Do we give ourselves grief for having not lived the way we "should" live. Or do we live for the identity others have given us. That somehow, whatever or whoever we are, it is not enough for some. There is a better way to live.

Followers of Christ are called into a relationship with God, but also called to something. Call is a word that can have many associations. Mark Labberton says that, “The heart of God’s call is this: that we receive and live the love of God for us and for the world. This is the meaning of the two great commandments, that we are made to love the Lord our God with all we are and our neighbors as ourselves.”

Rarely does God’s call come from a burning bush or a high and lofty place. God’s primary call is for us to belong to and live for the flourishing of God’s purposes in the world. At the same time, God may also call in ways that include direction in relation to our jobs, gifts, relationships and more.

The street level view of life is that humanity is on its’ own. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die. Are we here as result of lucky mud and its’ every man for himself? Is there hope out there somewhere in the trajectory of human suffering? Is there hope for our own personal life issues? These are heavy questions, but personal and practical.

As God’s people we are sent as God’s reassuring response to these questions, but can be evident only if we live honestly and fully before God and our neighbor. People of all ages are skeptical of rhetoric and formulas. They need to see is the “good news.” They need to see hope in you and I and our concern for the real world we live in. How many times have I heard, if I hang at your church will I meet people who are actually like Jesus? Whoa! Ouch?

There are all kinds of churches in this world, but there’s only one Jesus.
This year can be very different. We can live life far more deeply by being more concerned about God’s purposes than our own? Ask yourself, what does God want of me and how can He use me? That might include hardship and even sacrifice, but in the end it will reflect Jesus and that’s what the world needs to see. 

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.     I John 4:11-12

The Father You Always Wanted

God is Unpleasable

Prior to Martin Luther’s biblical understanding that he was saved by grace the great reformer tried to please his exasperating father throughout his life and took it into his journey with God.  Luther’s sad upbringing along with his performance based religious orientation added to his inner frustration that his best efforts would never please his father or God. (Watch the movie clip here)

Have you felt that your best is never enough? It’s no wonder people don’t want to spend time with people they can’t ever please no matter how hard they try. Do you think God is like that, always disappointed in you? Those who think God is exacting and unpleasable understandably reject Him.

Like Martin Luther, I’ve heard countless people say, “I’m not perfect, I’ll never please God no matter what I do.” But does that mean God is unpleasable? NO!

Truth – God is a gracious FatherMany will do almost anything imaginable to gain someone’s acceptance. We all need acceptance, yet we might not ever get it from those we’ve tried to please. Is there anything we can do to gain God’s acceptance? No! Absolutely nothing!

An attorney asked Jesus, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus simply replied, “Believe on Me whom the father has sent.” Nothing, but faith, only faith, ‘sola-fide.’

Thankfully, Luther discovered that his relationship with God was rooted in God’s grace and not all his hard work. This revelation not only changed him, but the whole world. God graciously gives us what we need and not what we deserve. He gives us what we all desperately need –GRACE through His Son!

Would it shock you to know that God is not disappointed in you? How could that be? I know I disappoint myself and others. Most of the time disappointment comes from something that happens to us that we didn’t expect. In contrast, God already knows all your stuff in your life, your choices and your sins. He’s definitely not surprised at anything.

No one scores a 100. Nobody is perfect. No one has arrived. We all fall so short of God’s best, but God had a redemptive plan in sending His Son. He knows what we really need is a relationship with Him that is based on forgiveness through undeserved abundant grace.

But now God has shown us a different way to heaven—not by “being good enough” and trying to keep his laws, but by a new way (though not new, really, for the Scriptures told about it long ago). Now God says he will accept and acquit us—declare us “not guilty”—if we trust Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in this same way, by coming to Christ, no matter who we are or what we have been like.   Romans 3:22 (LB)

God wants a relationship with you and me. He has done all that is needed by sending his Son for our redemption. There is nothing else for us to do for our acceptance –it’s already DONE! It’s finished!

Long ago, even before he made the world, God chose us to be his very own, through what Christ would do for us. Ephesians 1:4 LB
 
Maybe you grew up with a hurtful father who was uncaring, unavailable, unreliable and unpleasable. If that is your experience I’m sorry for that, but

God can be the father you never had!As a father God knows that there is far more to being a father than creating a child. God will never lie to you, never abuse you, never get tired of you, never neglect you, never leave you or never ever not care for you! He will always love you and only wants what’s best for you.

God can be the father you never had. Let him father you. When you develop your relationship with your heavenly father through His word it will change your life and those around you.

Your Father loves you,

Love Can Break Your Heart

Has your love ever been rejected or not believed by a close friend or a family member? If so, you know it breaks your heart and leaves you feeling deeply dismayed. 

Don't they get how much I love them? What must I do convince them of my love and concern for them? I don’t deserve this after all I’ve done for them. In times like these we ask questions like:

Why is this happening? How did this come about? What have I done? What words have I said or things that I’ve done to bring this about? How did our family dynamic and history play a part? And we wonder…

If you’ve experienced this sadness you’re in good company and God fully understands.

Joseph experienced all these things. Being raised in an extremely dysfunctional family (who’s exempt here?) and being his dad’s favorite among his large family his deeply jealous brothers sell him to slave traders and he ends up in Egypt. While living there with integrity he is unjustly accused, convicted and sentenced to prison.
 

During his twelve years of making license plates for chariots he is seemingly forgotten, yet the Bible says, “The Lord with Joseph.”  Now that’s something to always keep in mind for you too. Supposedly dead and forgotten Joseph miraculously becomes the next in line to the Pharaoh (Gen. 41:43).

During a severe middle-eastern famine Joseph’s brothers go to Egypt in desperate need of food. Over a period of time Joseph meets all their needs while keeping his identity hidden. After keeping his emotions in check for quite some time Joseph can no longer control himself and breaks down in tears and tells his brothers, “I am Joseph, your brother.”

OMG! What? Say that again? They are absolutely terrified! Despite his brother’s fears Joseph meets their needs and is finally reunited with their Father Jacob. Joseph graciously takes care of his brothers’ families during the famine years.

When their Father Jacob dies the brothers fear the worst now that their Dad is dead. We’re going to get what coming to us. So they sent word to Joseph saying, your father left these instructions before he died: “I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins they committed in treating you so badly. Now please forgive the sins of your brothers.” When the message came to Joseph he wept. (Gen. 50:17).

His brothers came and threw themselves down before him and pleaded, “We are your slaves.” But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good. So then don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your families.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. Gen.50:18-19 Amazing love how can it be.

Joseph wept when he heard the message from his brothers. It broke his heart that they did not believe that he had already forgiven them. Had he not already shown his forgiveness to them by his actions? He could have meted out anger and justice, but he knew love was a better way.

Joseph is a picture of God’s amazing love for us. Like Joseph, God’s heart is saddened when we don’t really believe that we’re forgiven in Christ when he has declared it to be so. Like Joseph, God has forgiven us and has spoken kindly to us. Aren’t you glad God doesn’t give us what we deserve, but what we need?

If your love has ever been rejected, not believed or misunderstood you’re not alone in that sadness. God knows what that’s like too. After all, His love has been rejected for thousands of years. Yet, His love for you has never changed and it never will. Grab hold of it and don’t ever let go!

Restoring and Maintaining Your Emotional Health

Due the Waldo Canyon fires and its’ impact it has been over two months since the last blog from the series ‘Relationships: Connecting the Dots. The series began way back in May with Love’s Illusions and the 3 E’s of Love to the last part entitled Emotional Entanglements between Men and Women in mid June just before the fire. Please accept our apology for taking so long to come back to it.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements. In order to benefit you the most please refer to the previous blogs to have the right context for this blog.

Restoring Your Emotional Health

First, in order to restore my emotional health I need to acknowledge that my emotional health needs to be restored and maintained. Now, most of us think we’re fairly smart when it comes to relationships, we know what we’re doing, yet the stats show otherwise. I’m hoping that you would agree that most of can use some help when it comes to having the best possible relationships.

I need to acknowledge I really do need help. The Apostle Paul (Romans 7:15-19) openly admitted he needed help. Should it be any different with you and me? I know it sounds old, but how many times as a friend or a pastor have I heard something like, “____ talks to me like no one ever has, I feel so alive and exhilarated, it just has to be right, I know it,” and the rest is history.

Secondly, I need to take action immediately if I want to be on an intentional healthy path. In 1914 Sir Ernest Shackleton’s amazing expedition of Antarctica came to a very decisive point after having to abandon their ship the Endurance when it became stuck and eventually crushed in the ice. Thus far, they had taken about 475 photos preserved on glass which would be eventually sold and published around the world of the never before scenes of the brutal, but beautiful continent.

Shackleton made the choice of destroying many of the irreplaceable photos so he wouldn’t be tempted to go back later for them and risk the lives of his men. He made a courageous decision. There are times we have to take similar action to make the hard choices now to stay on the path of health. Say no to those unhealthy patterns that have gotten you in the situation you would rather not be in.

Thirdly, seek an accountable same sex friend for counsel who can honestly process your struggles with you. Get help from a competent therapist if needed. Have the guts to admit you can’t go it alone, that you need help a confidant.

Fourthly, get in community where you can be encouraged, challenged and equipped to stay on the path of good relational choices.

Maintaining your Emotional HealthBeing a compassionate giving person and desiring to meet the needs of others by listening are admirable traits. But when our listening lacks discernment we can get in big trouble.   While we may feel flattered if we hear,”I’m struggling with my feelings for you” or the lingering touch from a married person or another unavailable person we need to walk away or change the conversation quickly. Don’t cave in to the alluring comment. 

When you seek relational counsel from someone don’t just ask any friend, especially with an opposite sex friend who might have a subtle hidden agenda. You might feel a friend is well meaning, but perhaps your friend’s counsel is flawed. Use wise discernment when it comes to counsel.

The majority of American adults today are single. Yet, we live in a couples oriented culture that promotes and can even pressure you to believe that your significance is only when you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex. Think of FB’s status posts “in a relationship.” Unfortunately, this makes it easier and more acceptable to have unhealthy relationships.

Too many spend so much time looking for the right person they spend little or no time in becoming person.  It’s understandable that many desire to married or have someone in their lives for God has wired us to be in relationship, in a community.

We all want to love us, to belong to someone, to be loved and to love. The truth is you already are. YOU are deeply loved by God! The cry of your heart is the faint echo of God’s love for YOU! He looks for ways to convey His extravagant love to you. His love is far more passionate than any passionate person you’ll ever meet.

God gave Himself for YOU in every imaginable way. It took a whole lot of passion to show His love for YOU. Just look at the cross. What passionate lover has given their life for you? There’s only ONE and His love wants you to know how to restore and maintain your emotional health now and in the future.

Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Mark
mark@recoveryafterdivorce.com

Emotional Entanglements Between Men & Women: Part 2-The Causes

by Mark Skalberg and Dianna Steele 

Celtic knots fascinate and mystify me. No matter how long I stare at one I’m unable to figure out where it begins or ends.  Emotional entanglements may also leave us mystified, asking “How did this happen?”  We may be clueless where an entanglement actually began or how to exit it.

In our last blog we discussed Danger Signs of Emotional Entanglements between men & women, signals along relationship routes warning us of impending collision, all related to how we approach relationships.  This blog focuses on recognizing common causes of emotional entanglements in ourselves so that we may be on guard against them.
CAUSES of Emotional Entanglements:

~Vulnerability- When vulnerability clouds judgment, we miss red flags telling us a relationship is unhealthy or moving too fast.  As a result we don’t make good decisions.  While openness and trust are essential for healthy relationships, choosing carefully when & with whom we risk vulnerability is crucial.

~Inappropriate disclosure- First cousin to vulnerability is disclosing personal information too quickly to people who knowingly or unknowingly use it to their advantage and to our disadvantage. Sadly, not everyone is safe. We must exercise caution, not trusting people at will, but only after they prove trustworthy.  Trust requires time to develop. An additional caution regarding inappropriate disclosure: if a person we’re considering disclosing distressing personal matters to is opposite gender & married, Don’t.  Many emotional entanglements begin with this type of “harmless sharing”.

~Blind spots- When we fail to recognize our weakness and deal with them we may justify gravitating toward unhealthy relationships, telling ourselves: “I deserve better, I can’t take it any longer, I’m tired of being alone.”  You may be hurt, weary, disappointed, afraid and not even realize it. What sends you in search of distractions? Do you know your Achilles’ heal? If not, give permission to an objective, truthful friend to speak into your weaknesses and hold you accountable to work on them.

~Denial- This can’t be wrong when it feels so right. Ya think? Suppose a parent allows their child to eat ice cream for lunch then skip dinner because he’s not hungry. Later the child has a horrible stomach ache.  Not desiring what was good for him, he received a poor substitute for what he truly needed and he felt worse.

Like the Pavlovian dog we hear the bell and respond to it. James 1:14-15. The evil one manipulates our need and promises what he can’t deliver. Denial and rationalization of unhealthy relationships prolongs pain and we’ll keep getting what we’ve been getting. Better to be honest with self and work through unresolved issues while purposing to live with integrity and honesty.

~Emotional Pain-  Pain stemming from rejection, a lack of self worth or a lack of intimacy with God and others can lead to desperation and looking for love in all the wrong places. Kind of sounds like a country song.  Again, this is where a trusted same-gender friend with listening ears or a pastor or even a godly Counselor makes all the difference.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  Proverbs 12:15

~Attitudes-  Three common attitudes may lead to emotional entanglements.

Entitlement: “I have a right to …”  By telling ourselves we deserve a relationship with someone who affirms us we set ourselves up for a false intimacy and emotional entanglements.  The temptation for entitlement thinkers is to blow right past righteous conduct in favor of immediate gratification.  “One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless” Proverbs 14:16

Ingratitude:  In looking at what we don’t have rather than expressing gratitude for God’s goodness in our lives we lose sight of blessings right under our nose and we become like the grumbling Israelites, “They forgot what He had done, the wonders he had shown them.” Psalm 78:11 

Boredom: Like Solomon an attitude of boredom can spur trivial pursuits of unsatisfying pleasure. “Anything I saw and wanted, I got for myself; I did not miss any pleasure I desired.”  Ecclesiastes 2:10. Solomon went on to lament his elusive pursuit as “chasing after the wind.”

We could write an entire blog on attitudes alone and their impact on emotional entanglements.  We cannot stress enough the importance of right attitudes and of “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” II Corinthians 10:5 before our attitudes take us captive, dragging us into painful entanglements.

Lack of security and significance- Each of us has an internal hunger for significance.  Moving in a wrong direction to satisfy that hunger could easily lead to emotional entanglements.  More on this in the next blog.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements before they tie us up like Celtic knots.  In our next blog, Restoring and Maintaining your Emotional Health, we’ll explore some of those ways.  To order audio messages of this series on CD, click here. 

Emotional Entanglement Between Men and Women: Danger Signs

By Mark Skalberg and DiAnna Steele

Recently at a gathering of friends our host brought out metal puzzles and challenged guests to separate the pieces.  This activity made for laughter, cheering and more than a bit of frustration as people attempted to solve puzzles.  For most, puzzle pieces were so entangled the task of separating them seemed daunting. They quickly gave up.

Emotional Entanglements between men and women present similar challenges.  We so desperately desire real, unconditional love.  Yet we somehow entwine our hearts in unhealthy relationships that seem impossible to separate ourselves from.

“Entangle: To twist together or entwine into a confusing mass.” {freedictionary.com}

What happens when relationships become entwined into a confusing mass?  Emotional entanglements often lead to unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding, deep disappointments and broken relationships.

How can we avoid such heartache?  We begin by recognizing when we are at risk.

Danger Signs of Emotional Entanglements:

~False assumptions about yourself or others.

False assumptions allow us to delude ourselves into believing that sowing and reaping don’t apply to us.  We imagine ourselves strong enough to handle situations that might result in trouble for weaker persons.  We envision immunity to consequences if we fail. 

Scripture warns us not to rely on self.  “Don’t be so naïve and self confident.  You’re not exempt.  You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else.” I Corinthians 10:12 (MSG)

In truth, false assumptions are layers of pride disguised as self-confidence.  Pride and arrogance blind us to relational risks and subsequent dangers.

“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18

Emotional entanglements can happen to anyone.  We must be careful to exercise discernment in our personal relationships, to confess and forsake pride and to cultivate God-confidence.

~Mind your own Business mentality.

Sally, 35, never married feels attraction for her boss John, a kind, compassionate family man.  John always eagerly listens to Sally and constantly praises her work. Sally, like millions of others in our culture, faces constant bombardment with media’s enticement and Hollywood storylines depicting workplace affairs as a resume enhancement.

When a friend expressed concern about time Sally spends with John, Sally responded, “We’re just good friends, there is no physical involvement.” Essentially, Sally is saying, “Mind your own business”. She feels because there’s intensity without touch, a need is met with no moral code violated.  Sally is emotionally entangled and fails to realize how dangerously close she’s ventured to sexual entanglement.

The mind your own business mentality exposes us to entanglements we may never have considered.  Better to open ourselves up to fellow believers, being accountable to someone we trust our true self with.  A godly mentor or friend helps us shine light on dark places. When Light enters, darkness diminishes.  Our protection from emotional entanglement comes from walking in Light.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin” I John 1:7

~I’m only human.

Cindy and Tom had both been divorced for years when they met. Cindy hadn’t dated much but felt she was finally ready to begin again. They met each other’s kids, shared dinners and generally enjoyed each other’s company.

After only a few dates they were physical on a regular basis, justifying their conduct with “I’m only human. I have needs.” Yet, within a month Tom withdrew and wanted to date other women. Cindy felt rejected and used. Her original thought, “This is just between us so no one will be hurt by it,” came back to haunt her.

Certainly genders can be reversed here.

God understands our humanity.  He is the One who gave us our needs.  He also makes a way for us to live free from emotional entanglements.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13

Danger signs of emotional entanglements are all around us.

We consider ourselves immune to temptation. “Nothing bad will happen to me, I’m the exception, I can handle this…”.

We skirt the fringes of temptation, “I understand him (her) so much better than his wife (her husband) does, I’m just trying to help, We’re just friends…”.

Or we dive directly into temptation, “God knows I need this. So many others are doing it, it can’t be that bad.”

Regardless of our intentions, results remain the same:  Painful & damaging emotional entanglements.

The Bible encourages us to exercise caution. 

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I Peter 5:8

In our next blog, we’ll explore some common causes of emotional entanglements and how to be on our guard against them.  To order the audio messages of this series on CD you can order here. 

Note: If your experiences would be helpful to others about this contorversial topic please share them below.