Love Your Enemy

Legend has it that just before painting the faces of the disciples in the Lord’s Supper Leonardo DaVinci had a terrible argument with a fellow artist. He determined to paint his adversary’s face into the portrait is that of Judas Iscariot and thus take revenge by handing down the man in infamy and scorn for generations.

The face of Judas was one of the first he finished and everyone could easily recognize the face of a painter with whom he quarreled. However, when it came time to paint the face of Christ Da Vinci couldn’t make any progress at all. Something seemed to be frustrating even his best efforts.

He realized that the cause of this difficulty was in his bitterness and lack of forgiveness towards his fellow painter. He concluded that you cannot at the same time be painting the features of Christ in your own life and painting another with the colors of hatred and enmity.

King Saul relentlessly and unjustly chased David all over Israel to take his life. In his pursuit of David Saul stopped into a cave to relieve himself unaware that David and his men were hiding in the back of the cave. David had the perfect opportunity to take out Saul. His men said, ‘Saul has tried to kill you several times, so take care of your enemy now and take the throne that is rightfully yours.’ David persuaded his men not to retaliate.

Instead, David crept up unnoticed and cut off a corner of Saul’s robe while he was taking care of business. David didn’t gloat, but his conscience was bothering him about what he did. In response to his conscience, David did an amazingly gracious thing. I Samuel 24:8-13

There is a better way than getting even

David told Saul, ‘You’re listening to inaccurate counsel and wrong information about me.’ David told the person who needed to hear it the most, not to Saul’s men, not to Israel, but Saul himself. He spoke to the person with whom his battle was with.

When we have been wronged it's important to graciously convey the truth to the person involved no matter who they are, even if it's the king. Some tend to think to leave it alone, it will work out. David did not.

The desire for revenge is one of the most subtle temptations in life

Saul thought was, ‘If you don’t hate David as much as I do, then you’re my enemy.’ When we label someone as bad we can feel justified in getting back. 

Resentment and retaliation reduce us to the one who did that awful thing to me.

Saul didn’t want a civil conversation he wanted revenge. Today, vengeance can be disguised as ‘My rights.’ It wasn’t fair, so I’ll get you back! I’m not talking about national defense here, but personal harm is done to us. How often should we seek revenge? God doesn’t say sometimes, but “Vengeance is mine.”

David was unjustly and severely mistreated by Saul. At that very vulnerable time in the cave, David could have exacted revenge. His friends would have applauded, but he would have had to live with his decision for the rest of his life. 

The blame game is lame

What about you? If you’re holding a grudge toward someone and treating them accordingly it will not turn out well for you and those around you. For your own sake and others ask God to free you from the ball and chain you’re dragging around.

If there’s any blame leave it with God, don’t live with it. Maybe God can’t finish his masterpiece in your life until the enmity you have with someone is gone when giving it to Him. As the grateful forgiven Apostle Paul said…

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. Romans 12:19

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. Martin Luther King

When life’s subtle temptation of retaliation draws you in, refuse to give into it. You’ll never regret forgiving someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this, you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9

 

The Shepherd Is In Your Valley

There is a swinging pendulum of opinions about safety, opening back up or shutting back down, COVID testing, PPE, equality, social justice and, a lot more. It’s no surprise that worry and fear is a reasonable response to what’s happening in our world. 

Recently, I’ve talked with several pastors and they say that the common thread among their churches is anxiety and fear. They’re not worried about their health and safety, so much as they are about job security and this month’s bills, rent or mortgage? Will their kids go to school in the fall? Are my savings at risk? Should we cancel vacations and business trips and not visit older loves ones.

The non-stop angry divisiveness and violence in our country fosters even more anxiety. The list of anxieties is long, but they’re not new. All of us have experienced anxiety, disappointment, and grief. If we're honest we’ve also felt lost before for a variety of reasons, in not knowing what to do or where to go or who to talk to.

Being lost is not just a GPS malfunction
Too many know what it means to be disconnected, discounted, diminished, or demeaned. Life has many dark valleys through which we must walk. When we do feel lost, we need someone to show us the way back home. A good shepherd will leave the ninety-nine sheep to find the lost one.  

In the winter shepherds in mountainous areas usually keep their sheep at home. There's usually a fenced area where they can graze and where they are fed grain. But when the snows subside in the mountains, it is then that the shepherds take their flocks and move with the snowmelt up the mountain, there finding fresh pasture land, eventually moving up to the timberline. Above the timberline, there are all types of pastures that are green and fresh. The air is clean. The water is clear.

In the summer shepherds usually won't even go home. They'll just sleep out with their sheep at night. It’s shepherd's responsibility to care for them, to know the canyons and the valleys, to scout them out, to know where the dangers are, and to pick the path that, while still dangerous is the safest path of all.

The shepherd protects the sheep from predators and provides their nourishment
If a lamb deliberately walks away, the shepherd searches near and far to get that lamb back. He’ll use his staff to redirect the sheep who get off course. A shepherd notches the ear of a lamb born to his flock because he has rightful ownership of it. They are His.

To the shepherd, the sheep are not just a number, but a face, a name and, a story. The Good Shepherd knows your name, your life and He knows what’s best for you. He’s proven Himself and is worthy of your trust.

We all have deep, dark valleys of our own experiences and we don't all call them by the same name. Make your own list. What are those things that you fear? It doesn't take any of us long to come up with a list of what could happen.

Here’s the deal: What I need to do is what we all need to do: trust the shepherd.
The Lord is God, he is in charge, and he is in control. He knows things that we would never be able to know. He's close. He understands. He has it all figured out. He is greater than the greatest difficulty. He is more powerful than the deepest and the darkest of your valleys.

He's there with you even when it’s so dark you can’t see. The Lord will do the job that a shepherd is supposed to do. He will do what he is capable of doing and he promises that he will be with you and never leave you. He will find you and take you home with Him. If you’ve been wounded or sick, He’ll pick you up and carry you all the way home.

In Psalms 23, notice the personal pronouns of "I" walk through the valley…"My" shepherd. "You" are there. It is one-on-one with God. The Good Shepherd is always there with you. He sticks closer than the best of friends.

When you walk through that dark deep valley, be sure to be the Lord's sheep, to claim him as your shepherd, to trust him alone to get you through. When he is so trusted, he who is always there will be with you even until the ends of the earth.

You're Worth Pursuing

I’m struck by what I’ve just watched on the news. More racial accusations, mean spirited politicians, unresolved border crisis, hurricanes and flooding and more political corruption. Life as usual. The broadcast ends with the smiling anchor saying, “Good night, we’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Good night? That’s it? It would be great if just once an anchor said with a deep sigh, “Oh, God help us, we desperately need your help.”

We see someone we think has it all together and we wonder, how did he do it? Maybe if we read the same book he read, spent some time with him and things would come together for us as well. Really, what do we want? We want comfort and happiness, not bad news and reality.

We want to escape from… or be like…or have more or have less...
In the midst of very trying times the apostle Paul said, Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead. Be very careful how you live, not as unwise but as wise. Use your head. These are desperate evil times. Ephesians 5:14-16 

We are not in Eden, the Matrix, or Disney World
We live in the real world where life doesn’t go as we planned. People break our hearts and we do the same. In this broken fallen world is there something that can give us a deeper sense of sustaining hope? Yes.

Despite all the bad news that comes our way when we know we are truly loved we can continue on. When we know we are wanted and pursued by someone it gives us hope to hang in there. Because many of us have never felt so loved we have pursued lesser things that have left us numb and empty.

The good news is that God loves and pursues you
Helen of Troy must have been something. Thousands were killed in the battles between Greece and Troy over who would get Helen. Would it be her husband Menalaus or Paris, Prince of Troy? Few have ever been so pursued.

Many have never been pursued or even noticed all their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In the movie The Last of the Mohicans, Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others, are trapped behind a waterfall with a rival Indian tribe closing in.

Before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora,
“just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do and no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued and rescued Cora.

God is saying the same thing to you. He believes you’re worth pursuing
The divine romancer will passionately come after you no matter where you are or how far you’ve gone! Even if you don’t want to be pursued He will not give up on you.

God could have given up on His love affair with mankind. He could have demanded our loyalty or made us love Him, but he didn’t. Thankfully, we don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right. There is nothing we need to do to make Him love us, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but whose we are. We are His.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:10

Before the foundations of the world God loved you and wanted you to be in His family. He wanted you then and still does today. You are constantly on His heart. He will never forget you or get tired of you. He is totally committed to you!

His passionate love for you will never be exhausted. May His love for you always be your hope.

Good News For Everyone

The recent tragic news of the SoCal fires and mass shootings has left many of us feeling weary. No doubt, there is plenty of domestic and international bad news to go around. The world has more than enough trouble. Trouble at the border, trouble in Washington, financial trouble, and relational trouble. As Bob Dylan once said, “There’s trouble, nothing but trouble.”

It was into a world of trouble when God interrupted a lowly group of shepherds thousands of years ago.

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.“ But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord”  Luke 2:10-11

Unfortunately many have missed this good news along the way. The birth of Christ has been glossed over with every imaginable marketing plug, Santa, jingle bells, cute sayings, decorations and debt. Or maybe we’ve unintentionally been too busy getting prepared for the season or getting through it.

But Christmas is a story of contrasts.  

As Luke says this good news is for the ‘all the people.’ You see God intended it for all, but it only makes sense and is only accessible for those who realize they need this good news.

The good news was proclaimed in such an unforgettable dramatic way it radically interrupted the shepherd's daily routine. What does it take for God to interrupt you to get your attention? Is it an illness, a broken relationship, a broken heart or dream, the loss of a loved one?

Why did God reveal the good news to the shepherds? It had nothing to do with who they were. The shepherds were the bottom rung of Jesus’ day; they were those you didn’t want your daughter to marry. They had no position or reputation and didn’t even own the sheep. Don’t you love it? God came to those who others sized up as insignificant, but not God!

Maybe we're not aware of it, but we’re like the shepherds. Yes, you and I.
The Apostle Paul spoke to the Corinthians about God’s utterly amazing grace that was given freely to those who responded to God’s good news.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth…He chose the lowly things of this world to confound the wise. I Corinthians 1:26, 28

During this busy Christmas season slow down to reflect upon ‘the greatest news ever proclaimed.'

Knowing You Are Pursued

We are not in Eden, Mayberry or Disney World.
We live in the real world where life doesn’t go as we planned. People break our hearts and we do the same. In this broken fallen world is there something that can give us a deeper sense of sustaining hope? Yes.

Despite all the bad news that comes our way when we know we are truly loved we can continue on. When we know we are truly wanted and pursued by someone it gives us hope to hang in there.

Because many of us have never felt so loved we have pursued lesser things that have left us numb and empty. Many have never been pursued or even noticed all of their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In the movie The Last of the Mochicans Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others, are trapped behind a waterfall with a rival Indian tribe closing in.

Before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora, “Just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do and no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued and rescued Cora.

God is saying the same thing to you. He believes you’re worth pursuing. The divine romancer will passionately come after you no matter where you are or how far you’ve gone! Even if you don’t want to be pursued or think you don't need it He will not give up on you.

God could have given up on His love affair with mankind. He could have demanded our loyalty or made us love Him, but he didn’t. Thankfully, we don’t have to get God to love us by doing something right.

There is nothing we need to do to make Him love us, because His love for us is not based on what we’ve done, but whose we are. We are His.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. I John 4:10

Before the foundations of the world God loved you.
He wanted you then and still does today. You are constantly on His heart. He will never forget you or get tired of you. His passionate love for you will never be exhausted. May God always be your ultimate place of hope!

Are You Happy?

The article’s title in the in-flight magazine caught my eye, ‘What does it mean to be happy? Experts Disagree. ‘After a list of several definitions, the summary was - my-happiness-is-better-than-your-happiness… Like everything else, our culture has turned happiness into some sort of an achievement, a contest, like a beauty pageant. Be bigger, smarter, faster, and better looking.

In today’s age of entitlement many are mistaken to think that all social problems, economic insecurity, poverty, racism and even their own discomfort will end today or tomorrow. Many have come to expect that their lives should have less discomfort. We’ve bought into the conventional wisdom that happiness comes from something we do. 

We do this, we do that, we go here, we go there, and we just “do it.” Maybe happiness comes from having more or having ‘the’ vacation in that special place? Or being in the right place with the right person at just the right time? Yet, millions of Americans confess that in the midst of their pursuit of happiness they have not experienced it. Are we chasing something unattainable?

While I was in Uganda the locals told me,’ you Americans measure your happiness by what you do and have, we measure our happiness by the friends we have. Sharing a meal or taking a walk is enough for us.’  In contrast many don’t know how much enough is.  Charles Dickens said, “Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.”

What if we had nothing to prove or no score to settle and no one to impress?  What if our happiness did not come from power, or the need to dominate or defeat, but from mutual respect grounded in God’s love?  

Could happiness be found in the simpler things in life that we might take for granted? 
Like a breathtaking sunrise or sunset, a song, a conversation or the smell after a spring rain or a tear from a good movie, or a smile from a stranger.

Are we able to say with the apostle Paul, “…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Philippians 4:11
  
This all begs a question. How can we train our eye to see and appreciate the simpler things in life and thereby discover joy and contentment? Is there is a spiritual discipline to practice or another book to read?

Maybe it’s as simple as asking yourself each day, what am I grateful for today? How did I enjoy today or what surprised me today? Perhaps ask someone else those questions rather than the typical how are you? We can all say thank you to God for ____________ far more often. Try it you might like it.

Sometimes with gratitude you just have to accept life as it is and are grateful for what you have. “He is a wise man who does not grieve over the things he has not, but rejoices for those which He has” Epictetus

In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy. Brother David Steindl-Rast

Receiving Unwanted Gift

Today even before we open a gift often the giver will say, “Don’t worry I have gift receipt. If you don’t like you can return it.” For many Christmas can have a way of intensifying our highs and our lows. We can celebrate our highs yet our lows can seem lower.

Part of the Christmas story is one of an unwanted gift. |
There is not much mentioned about Joseph. There are no recorded words of Joseph, but he was not a passive bystander. He was faced with one of the most unwanted gifts anyone could ever imagine. His response changed his life and has the power to change yours’.

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was ‘pledged’ to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.  Matthew 1:18-25

Joseph was ‘pledged’ to Mary, in other words they didn’t meet on Match.com or dated to see if their relationship would develop into something more serious. Their marriage was arranged by their families. It’s possible they didn’t know each other all that well. Their betrothal period lasted six months before the consummation of their marriage.

We read that Joseph was a ‘righteous’ man. He was consecrated in his Hebrew faith. He faithfully attended the synagogue, he knew, memorized and kept the Torah and observed the Jewish feasts. Being called a righteous man meant he was well respected in his community.

Joseph could have heard rumors about Mary’s pregnancy before Mary told him the father was the Holy Spirit. It would be understandable that Joseph was deeply disappointed in Mary and hearing the news from the village gossip. His parent’s dreams for him and his own were absolutely shattered at the news of Mary’s pregnancy. Joseph was heartbroken and dismayed.

The consequences for an adulterer would be a public stoning. After hearing the news no wonder Joseph was considering divorcing Mary, but to save her from public humiliation and disgrace he kept his vow to marry her. He was a good man. There was no requirement for Joseph to bring Mary on the long difficult journey to Bethlehem. Could it be that he took her to protect her?

Before the angel confirmed Mary’s explanation Joseph was afraid of what would happen next. Why was he afraid? His mind was racing knowing his decision would be extremely costly in taking on a wife that was thought to be an adulterer. He knew that his son was not his and would be constantly called nasty names growing up.

Perhaps Mary’s family and friends would shun her and or worse yet disown her? Maybe their families would not attend their eventual wedding day? Would his good reputation be mired forever in scandal?  There was a lot on the line for Joseph. He was in a place of, ‘I don’t understand God, I’m afraid, what are you doing here? I really need to hear from you.’ Have you ever been there? Most of us have.

There are three observations that we can apply from this Christmas story:
Don’t be afraid, verse 23 “and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”)
God did address Joseph’s fears through the angel that God was with Him in his overwhelming situation even though it would continue to be very hard for him. God promises that He is with us in whatever situation we’re facing no matter how long and despite how difficult.

Take a riskJoseph took an unbelievable risk in taking Mary as his wife. To choose to love Mary knowing that the future would be hard for both of them, but somehow God would make a way. Joseph’s love, faith and perseverance deeply mattered to God. So does yours’ and mine.

Commit yourself to GodDo you think Joseph regretted his decision in taking Mary as his wife? He didn’t have a gift receipt to return the gift he didn’t want or ask for. Despite all the tribulations Joseph would endure because of his decision do you think he regretted seeing his son grow up and teaching him his carpentry trade?

Do you think he regretted the long walks and conversations with his son? Do you think he regretted seeing his son’s gracious wise counsel to those he met? It was hard to hear the slurs about his son, but do you think he regretted seeing his son redeem people’s lives? God rewarded Joseph’s commitment to Him.

What about you? Like Joseph will you trust God that He will be ‘with you’ in your difficult circumstances? Trust that whatever is on your plate God is more capable than you expect. 

Although you might not see it now if you take a risk to commit to love someone God will reward you in ways you never imagined. Perhaps like Joseph you’ll see your commitment bear fruit that will change people’s lives forever.

Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last blog looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. Let’s discover a few cautions and red flags of online dating:

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 
For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that were over 40.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.
Online long distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example,  the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Signals
If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance:
Offers excuses not to meet their family or friends * Manipulates your emotions
Note: 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other
Pressures for physical intimacy * Served time in jail *Asks to borrow money
Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls
Listed on a state or national sex offender registry
Appears on America’s Most Wanted – I’m kidding, but you’d be surprised

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?
Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator.

Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities. For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient.Why would they want to waste two hours of their time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group and risk that nobody they’re interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?
In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community. People hunger for real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening your current friendships and or/seek ‘new’ reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging and challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance takes time to develop. Invest in people.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs are met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5:15-17  

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Online Dating

I hope you enjoyed the last blog on Online Dating. If you’re not a single adult forward this blog to someone else who care about who could benefit from these blogs?  Despite all the differing opinions there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

As a former single adult pastor I’ve seen the up and the downside of online dating. Today, 2 out of 5 relationships begin online and people who once were reluctant to admit they used online dating are rarer.

While researching this vast complicated and emotionally charged subject over the years, especially for Christians, I have discovered perhaps along with you, that there is lot of conflicting information about online dating. In the process of writing this blog I came across an article entitled “How Do I Love Thee?” in the Atlantic Monthly that is worth reading.

Although a very pragmatic article, it has a lot of good factual data that offers fairly objective critiques of the scientific matchmaking of eHarmony, Match.com and Chemistry.com. The article raises important questions about the data these scientists are collecting on relationships and personality types.

These web sites all have full time staff PhDs in the social sciences, anthropology, and psychology that are constantly polling and testing thousands of willing participants that will help people find their best possible match.

Of course this research and development helps these sites become successful, but is all this test tube data reliable and does it take out the mystique of romance and remove the human factor of face-to-face connection?  Remember while the data can be very helpful, it will never be infallible.  According to some there are advantages and disadvantages to online dating.

Advantages:

•          Meeting people existing outside social networks where they would otherwise never meet
•          Meeting more people quicker with similar core values, faith, interests, background and preferences
•         Offers privacy and confidentiality (turns out now this is not necessarily true)
•      More convenient than other ways of trying to meet people
•          Safer than many other conventional dating methods

The advantage to ‘scientific’ online dating isn’t to come up with some foolproof formula for romantic connection, but it can offer a safeguard to prevent you from making a poor choice.

Disadvantages:

·        People lie about themselves. 61% of users report concerns about members misrepresenting themselves.

According to Lori Gottlieb, the author of the article How Do I Love Thee? says, “Women tend to lie in their profiles about their weight and their age. And men tend to lie about their height and how much hair they have. That just seems to be a given. But there are other things that people may lie about as well—and I use the word "lie" loosely. They may answer questions in a way that's sort of fudging the truth a little bit…

• Users hide information about themselves and one cannot know for certain someone’s true character.They may not tell things about them you need to know
• Geographical distance makes physical closeness difficult, if not impossible
• Increased potential for identity theft.
• The speed of the online relationship cannot ensure you’re seeing a person for who they really are and all you need to know about someone’s past experiences
• Wasted resources.  A third of all online dating users have never met anyone face to face as a result of their time, efforts and money.

Please know these recent blogs are not endorsements of any kind. In a few days you won’t want to miss our last blog of this series as we look at the cautions and red flags of online dating and some concluding thoughts. 

Please feel free to share your comments below. If you would like to share any experiences on a personal level please feel free to email me at: mark@startingoverworkshops.com  If your experiences are used in a blog they will be used anonymously.

A Word About Online Dating

A word about online dating. Improvement for Husbandry and Trade periodical featured an ad by John Hewton stating he wanted to share his destiny with a young lady and they could “come to an agreement about the details.”

The year was 1695. Such ads were exclusive to men in those days. Despite this, in 1795, the courageous Helen Morrison, searching for a life partner, placed an ad in the Manchester Weekly Journal.  The town Mayor promptly arrested her and held her for four weeks
As Bob Dylan sang, “The times they are a-changin.” Yes, they sure have changed.

Looking for Love Online is BIG BUSINESS!
Today, anyone can go on-line seeking everything from an activity buddy to a life partner. The Beatles wailed, “Money can’t buy you love.” Don’t try telling that to the masses.  Looking for the ‘date’ and the search for on line love (or whatever it is) rakes in billions in revenue every year.

There are 40 million Americans using online dating websites and those users range from young to old. The share of 18 to 24 year-olds who report having used online dating has nearly tripled in the last two years. Today 27% of these young adults report that they have done so, up from just 10% in early 2013. Meanwhile, the share of 55 to 64 year-olds who use online dating has doubled over the same time period (from 6% in 2013 to 12% in 2015).

41% of Americans know someone who uses online dating; 29% know someone who has met a spouse or long-term partner via online dating.

Match.Com  brings in about one billion in annual revenue with 15 million users, six million of them logging in daily to find love, with a mere 1.5% success rate. Match determines success as “a relationship that developed as a result of the site.” With 10 million users in 2006, eHarmony reported 33K marriages, a puny 1%.  Since eHarmony defines success as “a match resulting in marriage” by their own terms, 99% of their users failed.

On line dating sites make it possible for millions of singles…and countless non-singles who purport to be single, to connect with one another in a quest for various forms of companionship. It falls to the consumer to determine whether or not it’s worth the effort.

Financial expense and success ratios are but two considerations in a line of criteria to help singles come to their own conclusion about the real value of online dating. So, what do you think?

If you’ve got a story to share (I’ll keep it confidential and possibly use it in a future blog without your name attached) let me hear from you at:  mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Don't miss our next blog that will examine the advantages and disadvantages of online dating. You can also comment below as well.

Starting Over Fall WorkshopColorado Springs, CO

September 11 - October 16 Register here

The Perfect Match

Millions are inundated with the myth that there is a perfect match for them. Somewhere ‘out there’ is the perfect match for me, my true soul mate, the person who fits me like a glove, who fits my soul the way a key fits into a lock.

Every week over 30 million are on the elusive search for the perfect match. So, one turns over every stone or possible lead only to discover after an exhausting pursuit, ‘it just isn’t so.’ Then, after their empty pursuit many become pessimistic, “Where have all the good guys gone?” Some even come to a place of despair and hopelessness desperately wanting something or someone.

Our longings for someone is strong and the thought of our future can become painful. Many philosophers, theologians and psychologists have written that the soul cannot survive for long in a state of despair, but we find a way to manage it by resignation. Learning to accept the inevitability of our circumstances with serenity is a good course of action, although definitely not easy.

But resignation alone cannot sustain a life
The writer Ernest Hemingway (don’t let the romanticized Hemingway’s role in in the Midnight in Paris fool you) said, “Sooner or later, the world breaks everyone, and those who are broken are strongest in the broken places.”

Sometimes that is true
But sometimes people write nice things they hope to be true only to find they don’t help. Hemingway himself didn’t get stronger and ended his own life because his pain was too great.

But, there is always HOPE which is not based on circumstances, but rather in God.
Many hope for a lot of things, but the good news is that hope can be experienced. Hanging around hopeful people can really help too.  Yet, none of us can ensure that things will work out the way we want them to, but we can ask ourselves, ”How would the person I want to be face this situation?”

We might not be able to change our situation, but many of our situations are temporary and the person you are becoming will go on. You have to live with you. What are you going to do about your circumstance or better yet, who are you going to become through it?

Adversity can change your priorities about what really matters. Billy Bean, former GM of the Oakland Athletics, whose character was portrayed in the Academy Award nominated movie ’Money Ball’, decided his daughter was worth more than the highest paid GM in baseball (12M).

Disappointment and adversity can point us in a different direction.
While I was teaching a Bible study in a prison I met several who pointed themselves in a different direction. Their circumstance helped them see what was really important in life. A few were formerly rich and had traveled the world, but told me if they were to visit one more place before they die it wouldn’t be luxurious places, but rather their prison cell where they met God.

Hope points us beyond ourselves.
In a difficult world where at times it can seem that nothing is going up we may ask, “What’s going up for me?” One thing that can ‘go up’ in our lives is the opportunity for you and me to trust God. Our trust in God can always can go up! It isn’t easy, but it’s wide open because God’s grace and His love are always available!

For more about meaningful relationships check out our blogs on ‘Dating’

What About Your Dad?

What about your Dad? You can be grateful if you’ve been fortunate enough to have had a Dad that left a positive memorable impact in your life. Unfortunately, that isn’t true for all of us. If you’re like me your dad was physically and emotionally absent. Perhaps he didn’t affirm you as he could have and never said, “I love you.” We all have heard this before.

In over 41% of American homes fathers are not living with their family. Additionally, 66% of all kids in America will live with only one biological parent by age 16. You’ve probably heard that there is a connection between our earthly fathers and our perception of God. Although our concept of God may have been distorted by our relationship with our father it doesn’t need to define our view of God.

We have a choice between believing what God has said about Himself, or allow our own experience to determine that for us. Regardless of where and how our view of God was developed God is able to reveal Himself to you and me.

Jesus loved to talk about his Dad. It was his favorite subject. He referred to his father over 100 times in the Gospel of John alone. (John 5:19-20:10:15, 28-29; 14:8-9; 17:23, 25). The religious of Jesus’s day are like many today, confused about God the father (John 8:27-29, 38). God is not merely like a father, He is a Father.

The greatest need for everyone, regardless of our parentage, is to know the Father.
”But let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me,” Jeremiah 9:24

When we clearly understand God’s heart and posture towards us, it helps us understand not only who He is, but ourselves as well. It helps us to accurately interpret our world and experience true lasting significance and security.  So let’s look at a few truths about life’s greatest pursuit –knowing the father.

Your father listens to you. (Psalm 91:14-15; Mark 5:33)
Years ago while working in my home office my daughter wanted to talk to me and I told her I was busy studying, but that I was really listening. She put her two little hands around my face and said, “No Daddy, listen to me with your face.” Thankfully, God the Father is never too busy,He listens to you with His full attention.
Your father sees and understands your pain.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

Your father pursues you!
Helen of Troy must have been something. Thousands were killed in the battles between Greece and Troy over who would get Helen.


Would it be her husband Menalaus or Paris, Prince of Troy? Few have ever been so pursued. Many have never been pursued or even noticed all their lives. Who has passionately pursued you in the right way?

In one of my favorite adventure movies, The Last of the Mohicans, Nathaniel, raised by the Mohican Indians is in love with Cora, the daughter of a proud British Colonel. In one of the final scenes Cora, Nathaniel and others are trapped behind a waterfall with the rival Indian tribe closing in.

Just before Nathaniel jumps into the massive waterfall to escape he passionately tells Cora, “just stay alive no matter what, do whatever you have to do, no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far I will find you.” In the climax he relentlessly pursued her and rescued her.

Your heavenly Father is saying that same thing to you - no matter where, no matter how long, no matter how far I will find you. Even if you don’t want to be pursued God relentlessly pursues you. He is the divine romancer. He will not give up or abandon you.

What about you, have you lost sight of one who really loves you? Rest assured He has never lost sight of YOU!  You are the apple of His eye. You are always on His heart. You are constantly on His mind. There is never a moment when you are out of His care.

Greeting card companies hire professional writers and poets to come up with clever impacting words to say “I love you.” Your Divine Father didn’t send a greeting card. He sent His only Son. He didn’t just tell you He loves you He gave everything for YOU! 
Happy Father's Day!

Getting an Unwanted Gift

Today even before we open a gift often the giver will say, “Don’t worry I have gift receipt. If you don’t like you can return it.” For many Christmas can have a way of intensifying our highs and our lows. We can celebrate our highs yet our lows can seem lower.

Part of the Christmas story is one of an unwanted gift. There is not much mentioned about Joseph. There are no recorded words of Joseph, but he was not a passive bystander. He was faced with one of the most unwanted gifts anyone could ever imagine. His response changed his life and has the power to change yours’.

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was ‘pledged’ to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.  Matthew 1:18-25

Joseph was ‘pledged’ to Mary, in other words they didn’t meet on Match.com or dated to see if their relationship would develop into something more serious. Their marriage was arranged by their families. It’s possible they didn’t know each other all that well. Their betrothal period lasted six months before the consummation of their marriage.

We read that Joseph was a ‘righteous’ man. He was consecrated in his Hebrew faith. He faithfully attended the synagogue, he knew, memorized and kept the Torah and observed the Jewish feasts. Being called a righteous man meant he was well respected in his community.

Joseph could have heard rumors about Mary’s pregnancy before Mary told him the father was the Holy Spirit. It would be understandable that Joseph was deeply disappointed in Mary and hearing the news from the village gossip. His parent’s dreams for him and his own were absolutely shattered at the news of Mary’s pregnancy. Joseph was heartbroken and dismayed.

The consequences for an adulterer would be a public stoning. After hearing the news no wonder Joseph was considering divorcing Mary, but to save her from public humiliation and disgrace he kept his vow to marry her. He was a good man. There was no requirement for Joseph to bring Mary on the long difficult journey to Bethlehem. Could it be that he took her to protect her?

Before the angel confirmed Mary’s explanation Joseph was afraid of what would happen next. Why was he afraid? His mind was racing knowing his decision would be extremely costly in taking on a wife that was thought to be an adulterer. He knew that his son was not his and would be constantly called nasty names growing up.

Perhaps Mary’s family and friends would shun her and or worse yet disown her? Maybe their families would not attend their eventual wedding day? Would his good reputation be mired forever in scandal?  There was a lot on the line for Joseph. He was in a place of, ‘I don’t understand God, I’m afraid, what are you doing here? I really need to hear from you.’ Have you ever been there? Most of us have.

There are three observations that we can apply from this Christmas story:
Don’t be afraid, verse 23 “and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”)
God did address Joseph’s fears through the angel that God was with Him in his overwhelming situation even though it would continue to be very hard for him. God promises that He is with us in whatever situation we’re facing no matter how long and despite how difficult.

Take a risk
Joseph took an unbelievable risk in taking Mary as his wife. To choose to love Mary knowing that the future would be hard for both of them, but somehow God would make a way. Joseph’s love, faith and perseverance deeply mattered to God. So does yours’ and mine.

Commit yourself to God
Do you think Joseph regretted his decision in taking Mary as his wife? He didn’t have a gift receipt to return the gift he didn’t want or ask for. Despite all the tribulations Joseph would endure because of his decision do you think he regretted seeing his son grow up and teaching him his carpentry trade?

Do you think he regretted the long walks and conversations with his son? Do you think he regretted seeing his son’s gracious wise counsel to those he met? It was hard to hear the slurs about his son, but do you think he regretted seeing his son redeem people’s lives? God rewarded Joseph’s commitment to Him.

What about you? Like Joseph will you trust God that He will be ‘with you’ in your difficult circumstances? Trust that whatever is on your plate God is more capable than you expect. 

Although you might now see it now if you take a risk to commit to love someone God will reward you in ways you never imagined. Perhaps like Joseph you’ll see your commitment bear fruit that will change people’s lives forever.

Give Gifts That People Really Need

This blog is not for you if you have no difficult people in your life. If everyone in your life is easy to get along with and you have no relational difficulties at all then don’t read this.

When we say to someone, “Here’s what you need to do to change” it usually doesn’t turn out so well for us. Too many of us have unrealistic expectations of what Christmas should be and maybe even an antiseptic view of the manger. Let’s look at the Christmas story from a different perspective.

I heard once, “If Jesus was at my family’s Christmas he wouldn’t be so optimistic about loving people.” During this season we encounter all kinds of different people. In the Christmas story there were…

Disappointed people
Zechariah and Elizabeth faithfully served God the best they knew how. Elizabeth was old and barren in an age when being without children was considered a curse or perhaps worse yet, it was because of something you did to displease God.

This was a disappointed couple and perhaps a strained relationship as well. When priest Zechariah was told by the angel that his wife would have a child Zechariah’s natural response was, “How can I be sure of this, my wife and I’m are too old and worn out.” As result of Zechariah’s unbelief he did not speak until his son John was born.

Stressed out people
All is calm, all is bright. Really? Mary was around thirteen when she was found pregnant and told Joseph the father was the Holy Spirit. Joseph: Would you repeat that please… Needless to say, he didn’t believe her. Are you really going to stay with that story Mary? Joseph wanted to spare Mary public disgrace and humiliation and planned to quietly divorce her. There was scandal in Galilee.

Then Joseph was visited by an angel and changed his mind about divorcing Mary and told her that we should just go ahead and get married anyway. They were from Galilee which was a very strict religious place, not like where most of us live. 

They were a poor couple who were financially strapped during tax season and now were on a difficult long journey with no place to stay. Joseph didn’t even think to call ahead and book the cheapest B &B or Motel 6.

Unsavory people
How many people have ‘The Great’ tacked on after their name like Herod? Paranoid about losing his power to a prophesied Jewish King, Herod ordered the murder of all the boys in Bethlehem who were two years and under. Warned by an angel Joseph and Mary took Jesus and fled to Egypt to live in a foreign place with a radically different culture and language and where the locals didn’t really want them around. If they took the Stress Test today they would be off the charts.

Strange and despised people
The Magi were Persians who looked very different than those living in Palestine. They believed in astrology which was strictly forbidden for the Jews. Then there were the dishonest and despised shepherds. If you were a good Jew you didn’t want your daughter hanging out with these guys.

Jesus lived in a world with plenty of people like the ones mentioned, but he gave them love anyway. This Christmas you can give better gifts that people really need.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

 The first gift you can give to the difficult people in your life is…

The gift of grace
Jesus asked the woman caught in adultery, “Where are your accusers? There are none Lord, “Neither do I condemn you...” For the son of man came not to condemn the world, but to save it.” John 3:17

There is no one in your life who doesn’t need grace. Everybody needs grace. You might think someone doesn’t deserve grace and you know what, they don’t, but God gives it anyway. Only God knows what they deserve. A lot of times we don’t know their backgrounds and wounds. We have no idea what they

We all have certain leanings, some of us have a high capacity for gratitude and others of us are constantly whining, but Jesus is full of grace to all of us. Are you? The second gift is...

The gift of truth
Jesus was full of grace, but not just grace. He was also full of truth. Grace without truth isn’t enough to grow in. Jesus was full grace, but also full of truth. It’s really hard to speak the truth sometimes. We might think we’re really good at telling someone the truth in our own imagination.

We can simply share the truth and a person will change. Wow, I really needed that I’m going to change right now. Yet, when were face to face with someone we struggle with the right words to say.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. Ephesians 4:15 The third gift is…

The gift of time
Time is a precious commodity. Some think one conversation will be enough to persuade a person to change. We’re impatient, we want to microwave people. I had one conversation with ______and he didn’t change, what’s the deal?

Jesus tells this great story. There’s this guy who sees a fig tree that looked dead and said, “Let’s cut it down?” The gardener says, “No not yet, give it another year, fertilize and prune it, I’m still working on this tree.” Of course the gardener (Jesus) is still at work in those whom we might write off.

There has been people in your life for which you’ve tried to help several times and you finally came to a point of giving up on them. But you’re not in charge of them. God is working on that tree. He’s working on your tree. All you can bring to the table is you. The only heart you can bring to the table is yours. The question is will you bring grace, truth and time to them? It’s a lot easier to think about it than doing it.

Maybe you’re not a grace, truth and time person, but you can be a conduit for it if you start with this Christmas letting God love you.
Israel was living in a very stressful time in their history and they weren’t sure if they were loved. I can’t really love if I don’t I know I have more than enough love coming my way. God says to them, ‘Even if a mom would forget her child I could never forget you. I love you too much…Your name is engraved in the palm of my hand.’ Isaiah 49:14-15

That was what Jesus did in his life, He showed love to the disappointed people, stressed out people, unsafe people, embarrassed people, all the difficult people in his life and he gave them grace, truth and time. Then he went to a cross and stretched out his hands and allowed the cruel spikes to pierce his hands and your name got engraved in his palm.

You see, there are a lot of people who don’t know they’re loved. This could be a Christmas unlike any other. Maybe your pain is so deep; your emotions are so raw you have no idea where to start to love others the way Jesus did. God knows this.

You don’t have to figure out what to do or say. All you have to do is bring your heart to God right now and ask Him to help you let go of your bitterness, resentment, the fear, the anxiety that’s been keeping you in your own prison. Help us God to acknowledge that our peace does not come from within ourselves, but from you, for you are our peace.