Cautions and Red Flags of Online Dating

The last blog looked at the online dating industry’s advantages and disadvantages to the user. We also took a cursory view of the pragmatic and scientific approach of the dating services. Let’s discover a few cautions and red flags of online dating:

Safety and Privacy Cautions
If you pursue online relationships there are some important things to keep in mind. 
For safety and privacy reasons, never provide any type of personal identifiable info—full name, phone number or home addresses—on your profile.

Realize upfront that although you’re too classy to use glamour shots from 10-20 years ago, others are not. One woman told me, “I thought I was meeting a man in his early 40s. Turned out he had kids that were over 40.” Go figure.

All first in-person meetings should be in a very public place. Tell a trusted friend where you’re going. Check someone’s background before you meet him or her. Always carry your cell phone.
Online long distance connecting offers advantages, but also a high degree of risk and uncertainty. Think again, if you’re going to a place you’ve never been to meet someone. Too many told me they couldn’t get a plane ticket fast enough to get out of town.

Many men purposely go online to find the culture best fitting their desire for a certain type of spouse. For example,  the stereotypical ‘submissive’ wife from an Asian country or the young orphaned, beautiful Russian woman looking for U.S. citizenship who wants to emigrate.

Red Flag Signals
If any of the following red flags come into play, rethink your on-line romance:
Offers excuses not to meet their family or friends * Manipulates your emotions
Note: 30% of online customers are married or living with a significant other
Pressures for physical intimacy * Served time in jail *Asks to borrow money
Seems overly interested in your children, especially teenage girls
Listed on a state or national sex offender registry
Appears on America’s Most Wanted – I’m kidding, but you’d be surprised

Do You Want to Put Yourself in the Hands of Experts?
Rest assured dating services know what appeals to people’s wants and wishes. Some online dating sites target every imaginable user wish. The more scientific sites are almost like a diet plan. If you do this, this will happen. Some are subversively manipulative or debased at the lowest denominator.

Others appeal to your intellect, while others tug at your emotions, taking advantage of your emotional vulnerabilities. For the pragmatic online dating user connecting online seems more efficient.Why would they want to waste two hours of their time going to a singles’ group, church, hiking group and risk that nobody they’re interested in will be there?

Is There a Better Way?
In the not-too-distant past, community played a much larger role in meeting people. Today people substitute online communities for the lack of real world community. People hunger for real relationships that matter. God created every person for relationship. We probably agree that we need good friendships. According to recent Gallup poll, the number one need of Americans is friendship.

Everyone longs for genuine intimacy. Some of us need to consider deepening your current friendships and or/seek ‘new’ reciprocal, honest friendships—where you can be yourself. Encouraging and challenging friendships where God’s grace and truth is the standard of acceptance takes time to develop. Invest in people.

I’ve seen it countless times that people who invest in other’s lives more than their own for God’s purposes discover their needs are met in Him through the community of people they do life with.

Now, be discerning won’t you? “Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”  Ephesians 5:15-17  

Lonely,But Never Alone

Millions think that loneliness is a solvable problem and the solution is usually a person.
The reasoning goes something like this, ‘When’ I’m in a relationship or ‘when’ I get married I won’t be lonely anymore.’ So, 4o million lonely hearts each week pursue someone online to take their loneliness away. This pursuit takes a lot of time and it can be empty and exhausting.

In the movie Jerry McGuire, Jerry’s girlfriend said, “Jerry, you can’t be alone; you’ve never been alone.” Many believe the same thing about themselves. Four out of ten Americans admit frequent feelings of intense loneliness.

Loneliness has been described as: assuming others have it together, but you; taking inventory of your life and feeling you’ve made many wrong choices; you’re hurting, but no one understands your pain or it’s an aching to have someone to share your life with.

The reality is that all of us experience loneliness regardless of our relationship status.

A different perspective about loneliness can possibly change your life.
There are a lot of reasons why people feel lonely and I’m sure you could provide your own list of reasons or definition. It would be extremely helpful to know there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness.

Loneliness is an emotional state of feeling disconnected from others.
The problem is we have unspoken assumptions about loneliness. We attach our own meaning to loneliness and its’ consequences, don’t we?  Much of our perception of loneliness comes from our unfortunate dysfunctional upbringing and from societal assumptions from popular culture like…

I am unlovable. I am undesirable. I am a social failure. I am a bad person. Nobody could ever want to be with me. I am not a whole person unless I have a partner or spouse. I just can’t be alone. I deserve a relationship. I have to have some romantic relationship in my life. I’ll settle for bad love than no love at all. What would you add to the list?

Whatever the cause loneliness has very little to do with being single. Some of the loneliest people are married. Loneliness is not solved by marriage. Saying ‘I do” does not solve loneliness or guarantee intimacy. A study of 3,400 married couples by the University of Michigan revealed that 65% are profoundly unhappy and 70% said they wouldn’t marry the same person. While that survey may reflect today’s ‘selfie’ culture, it is what it is.

Aloneness is the physical state of being separated from others.

All of us regardless of our relational status experience a sense of aloneness and yearn for relationships. Yet, loneliness is not dependent upon the lack of people in our lives. We can still feel lonely in a crowd. Albert Einstein said, “It’s strange that you can be known all around the world, but be so lonely.”

Extroverts can laugh and be around people constantly and still be a member of the lonely hearts club. For introverts aloneness can be less intimidating, but they have a greater risk of isolation and subjective introspection. Alone could simply mean, “I’m alone right now, no big deal, I have friends, family and co-workers.”

What do you do when you’re alone and feel sorry for yourself?
After a tremendous victory over the false prophets of Baal (I Kings 18:16-39) the prophet Elijah was stretched to the max by the confrontation on Mt. Carmel; his nerves were fried and he was hungry, thirsty and weary. Deeply distraught he prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,take my life.”

Elijah left his servant behind and journeyed into the wilderness all alone which made his situation even worse. Now alone, he had a pity party telling God he was the only faithful Jew in Israel. At was at this point that he made his worst decision of his life in his weakest hour. No wonder Jesus sent out the disciples out in twos.

n times of fear and aloneness we need somebody to talk to and pray with to help give us clear perspective on our situation.  Like Elijah we can make poor decisions when we’re alone. In times like this we are especially vulnerable to the culture’s exploitation of relationships.

God is patient and worked with Elijah and brought him back to reality. God provided for him right where he was at and spoke to him in a still small voice. Thank God He is longsuffering towards his children and speaks to us when we are feeling hurt and alone. He can do the same for you!

Five Types of People You Should Marry

Please enjoy this follow up blog by Debra Fileta.

“Did you receive confirmation when you met your husband?”

I had just finished up speaking to a group of singles in their twenties and thirties, when a young woman came up to me with this question.

For a moment, my mind blanked as I tried to figure out what she meant. Was she talking about confirmation like with my airline tickets? Or maybe that class Catholic kids take?

And then it dawned on me: She meant “confirmation” from God. As in: “Did God give you some sort of a sign when you met your husband that he was the one you were going to marry?”

“No, actually,” I said.

She looked surprised. So I quickly explained.

When it comes to relationships, so many people are waiting for that magical moment. But whether or not that magical moment even exists, it can’t be trusted, because it’s not “confirmation”—it’s feelings.

 When I met my husband for the first time, I had no clue he would be my husband. Read More...

Busting Myths About Romance and Intimacy

Thanks for engaging with last week's blog. Based upon the response I thought you all might benefit from another blog about singleness. According to the 2010 U.S. Census 52% of the US adult population are not married. Because most people will be single either due to death, divorce or choice this subject matter is culturally relevant to all of us.

Today, like it or not, Americans are becoming more like Europeans and are not getting married by choice. Co-habitation is up over 500% over the last decade and the average age of first time marriages are the oldest ever in American history. If you’re married and you think this subject is not for you please think about those you care about who are not married or perhaps consider your own kid’s welfare.

To have the best possible relationships you and your friends could benefit by knowing the myths of romance and intimacy. Myths like:  thinking that someone will meet your fundamental intimacy needs, someone will make you happy and will take away your loneliness... How is loneliness different from aloneness? 

Intimacy is not marriage, it's not a destination, it's not a plateau  or a destination. Intimacy is more about direction than arrival... Last week’s blog ‘Is it Better to be Married or Single?’ and this blog and their audio links recorded 'live' at Woodmen Valley Chapel are worth your time. To listen to this life changing message click here.

Your comments are most welcome.

With Gratitude,

Mark
mark@startingoverworkshops.com

Restoring and Maintaining Your Emotional Health

Due the Waldo Canyon fires and its’ impact it has been over two months since the last blog from the series ‘Relationships: Connecting the Dots. The series began way back in May with Love’s Illusions and the 3 E’s of Love to the last part entitled Emotional Entanglements between Men and Women in mid June just before the fire. Please accept our apology for taking so long to come back to it.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements. In order to benefit you the most please refer to the previous blogs to have the right context for this blog.

Restoring Your Emotional Health

First, in order to restore my emotional health I need to acknowledge that my emotional health needs to be restored and maintained. Now, most of us think we’re fairly smart when it comes to relationships, we know what we’re doing, yet the stats show otherwise. I’m hoping that you would agree that most of can use some help when it comes to having the best possible relationships.

I need to acknowledge I really do need help. The Apostle Paul (Romans 7:15-19) openly admitted he needed help. Should it be any different with you and me? I know it sounds old, but how many times as a friend or a pastor have I heard something like, “____ talks to me like no one ever has, I feel so alive and exhilarated, it just has to be right, I know it,” and the rest is history.

Secondly, I need to take action immediately if I want to be on an intentional healthy path. In 1914 Sir Ernest Shackleton’s amazing expedition of Antarctica came to a very decisive point after having to abandon their ship the Endurance when it became stuck and eventually crushed in the ice. Thus far, they had taken about 475 photos preserved on glass which would be eventually sold and published around the world of the never before scenes of the brutal, but beautiful continent.

Shackleton made the choice of destroying many of the irreplaceable photos so he wouldn’t be tempted to go back later for them and risk the lives of his men. He made a courageous decision. There are times we have to take similar action to make the hard choices now to stay on the path of health. Say no to those unhealthy patterns that have gotten you in the situation you would rather not be in.

Thirdly, seek an accountable same sex friend for counsel who can honestly process your struggles with you. Get help from a competent therapist if needed. Have the guts to admit you can’t go it alone, that you need help a confidant.

Fourthly, get in community where you can be encouraged, challenged and equipped to stay on the path of good relational choices.

Maintaining your Emotional HealthBeing a compassionate giving person and desiring to meet the needs of others by listening are admirable traits. But when our listening lacks discernment we can get in big trouble.   While we may feel flattered if we hear,”I’m struggling with my feelings for you” or the lingering touch from a married person or another unavailable person we need to walk away or change the conversation quickly. Don’t cave in to the alluring comment. 

When you seek relational counsel from someone don’t just ask any friend, especially with an opposite sex friend who might have a subtle hidden agenda. You might feel a friend is well meaning, but perhaps your friend’s counsel is flawed. Use wise discernment when it comes to counsel.

The majority of American adults today are single. Yet, we live in a couples oriented culture that promotes and can even pressure you to believe that your significance is only when you’re in a relationship with the opposite sex. Think of FB’s status posts “in a relationship.” Unfortunately, this makes it easier and more acceptable to have unhealthy relationships.

Too many spend so much time looking for the right person they spend little or no time in becoming person.  It’s understandable that many desire to married or have someone in their lives for God has wired us to be in relationship, in a community.

We all want to love us, to belong to someone, to be loved and to love. The truth is you already are. YOU are deeply loved by God! The cry of your heart is the faint echo of God’s love for YOU! He looks for ways to convey His extravagant love to you. His love is far more passionate than any passionate person you’ll ever meet.

God gave Himself for YOU in every imaginable way. It took a whole lot of passion to show His love for YOU. Just look at the cross. What passionate lover has given their life for you? There’s only ONE and His love wants you to know how to restore and maintain your emotional health now and in the future.

Your comments are greatly appreciated.

Mark
mark@recoveryafterdivorce.com

Emotional Entanglements Between Men & Women: Part 2-The Causes

by Mark Skalberg and Dianna Steele 

Celtic knots fascinate and mystify me. No matter how long I stare at one I’m unable to figure out where it begins or ends.  Emotional entanglements may also leave us mystified, asking “How did this happen?”  We may be clueless where an entanglement actually began or how to exit it.

In our last blog we discussed Danger Signs of Emotional Entanglements between men & women, signals along relationship routes warning us of impending collision, all related to how we approach relationships.  This blog focuses on recognizing common causes of emotional entanglements in ourselves so that we may be on guard against them.
CAUSES of Emotional Entanglements:

~Vulnerability- When vulnerability clouds judgment, we miss red flags telling us a relationship is unhealthy or moving too fast.  As a result we don’t make good decisions.  While openness and trust are essential for healthy relationships, choosing carefully when & with whom we risk vulnerability is crucial.

~Inappropriate disclosure- First cousin to vulnerability is disclosing personal information too quickly to people who knowingly or unknowingly use it to their advantage and to our disadvantage. Sadly, not everyone is safe. We must exercise caution, not trusting people at will, but only after they prove trustworthy.  Trust requires time to develop. An additional caution regarding inappropriate disclosure: if a person we’re considering disclosing distressing personal matters to is opposite gender & married, Don’t.  Many emotional entanglements begin with this type of “harmless sharing”.

~Blind spots- When we fail to recognize our weakness and deal with them we may justify gravitating toward unhealthy relationships, telling ourselves: “I deserve better, I can’t take it any longer, I’m tired of being alone.”  You may be hurt, weary, disappointed, afraid and not even realize it. What sends you in search of distractions? Do you know your Achilles’ heal? If not, give permission to an objective, truthful friend to speak into your weaknesses and hold you accountable to work on them.

~Denial- This can’t be wrong when it feels so right. Ya think? Suppose a parent allows their child to eat ice cream for lunch then skip dinner because he’s not hungry. Later the child has a horrible stomach ache.  Not desiring what was good for him, he received a poor substitute for what he truly needed and he felt worse.

Like the Pavlovian dog we hear the bell and respond to it. James 1:14-15. The evil one manipulates our need and promises what he can’t deliver. Denial and rationalization of unhealthy relationships prolongs pain and we’ll keep getting what we’ve been getting. Better to be honest with self and work through unresolved issues while purposing to live with integrity and honesty.

~Emotional Pain-  Pain stemming from rejection, a lack of self worth or a lack of intimacy with God and others can lead to desperation and looking for love in all the wrong places. Kind of sounds like a country song.  Again, this is where a trusted same-gender friend with listening ears or a pastor or even a godly Counselor makes all the difference.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  Proverbs 12:15

~Attitudes-  Three common attitudes may lead to emotional entanglements.

Entitlement: “I have a right to …”  By telling ourselves we deserve a relationship with someone who affirms us we set ourselves up for a false intimacy and emotional entanglements.  The temptation for entitlement thinkers is to blow right past righteous conduct in favor of immediate gratification.  “One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless” Proverbs 14:16

Ingratitude:  In looking at what we don’t have rather than expressing gratitude for God’s goodness in our lives we lose sight of blessings right under our nose and we become like the grumbling Israelites, “They forgot what He had done, the wonders he had shown them.” Psalm 78:11 

Boredom: Like Solomon an attitude of boredom can spur trivial pursuits of unsatisfying pleasure. “Anything I saw and wanted, I got for myself; I did not miss any pleasure I desired.”  Ecclesiastes 2:10. Solomon went on to lament his elusive pursuit as “chasing after the wind.”

We could write an entire blog on attitudes alone and their impact on emotional entanglements.  We cannot stress enough the importance of right attitudes and of “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” II Corinthians 10:5 before our attitudes take us captive, dragging us into painful entanglements.

Lack of security and significance- Each of us has an internal hunger for significance.  Moving in a wrong direction to satisfy that hunger could easily lead to emotional entanglements.  More on this in the next blog.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements before they tie us up like Celtic knots.  In our next blog, Restoring and Maintaining your Emotional Health, we’ll explore some of those ways.  To order audio messages of this series on CD, click here. 

Emotional Entanglement Between Men and Women: Danger Signs

By Mark Skalberg and DiAnna Steele

Recently at a gathering of friends our host brought out metal puzzles and challenged guests to separate the pieces.  This activity made for laughter, cheering and more than a bit of frustration as people attempted to solve puzzles.  For most, puzzle pieces were so entangled the task of separating them seemed daunting. They quickly gave up.

Emotional Entanglements between men and women present similar challenges.  We so desperately desire real, unconditional love.  Yet we somehow entwine our hearts in unhealthy relationships that seem impossible to separate ourselves from.

“Entangle: To twist together or entwine into a confusing mass.” {freedictionary.com}

What happens when relationships become entwined into a confusing mass?  Emotional entanglements often lead to unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding, deep disappointments and broken relationships.

How can we avoid such heartache?  We begin by recognizing when we are at risk.

Danger Signs of Emotional Entanglements:

~False assumptions about yourself or others.

False assumptions allow us to delude ourselves into believing that sowing and reaping don’t apply to us.  We imagine ourselves strong enough to handle situations that might result in trouble for weaker persons.  We envision immunity to consequences if we fail. 

Scripture warns us not to rely on self.  “Don’t be so naïve and self confident.  You’re not exempt.  You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else.” I Corinthians 10:12 (MSG)

In truth, false assumptions are layers of pride disguised as self-confidence.  Pride and arrogance blind us to relational risks and subsequent dangers.

“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18

Emotional entanglements can happen to anyone.  We must be careful to exercise discernment in our personal relationships, to confess and forsake pride and to cultivate God-confidence.

~Mind your own Business mentality.

Sally, 35, never married feels attraction for her boss John, a kind, compassionate family man.  John always eagerly listens to Sally and constantly praises her work. Sally, like millions of others in our culture, faces constant bombardment with media’s enticement and Hollywood storylines depicting workplace affairs as a resume enhancement.

When a friend expressed concern about time Sally spends with John, Sally responded, “We’re just good friends, there is no physical involvement.” Essentially, Sally is saying, “Mind your own business”. She feels because there’s intensity without touch, a need is met with no moral code violated.  Sally is emotionally entangled and fails to realize how dangerously close she’s ventured to sexual entanglement.

The mind your own business mentality exposes us to entanglements we may never have considered.  Better to open ourselves up to fellow believers, being accountable to someone we trust our true self with.  A godly mentor or friend helps us shine light on dark places. When Light enters, darkness diminishes.  Our protection from emotional entanglement comes from walking in Light.

“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin” I John 1:7

~I’m only human.

Cindy and Tom had both been divorced for years when they met. Cindy hadn’t dated much but felt she was finally ready to begin again. They met each other’s kids, shared dinners and generally enjoyed each other’s company.

After only a few dates they were physical on a regular basis, justifying their conduct with “I’m only human. I have needs.” Yet, within a month Tom withdrew and wanted to date other women. Cindy felt rejected and used. Her original thought, “This is just between us so no one will be hurt by it,” came back to haunt her.

Certainly genders can be reversed here.

God understands our humanity.  He is the One who gave us our needs.  He also makes a way for us to live free from emotional entanglements.

“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” I Corinthians 10:13

Danger signs of emotional entanglements are all around us.

We consider ourselves immune to temptation. “Nothing bad will happen to me, I’m the exception, I can handle this…”.

We skirt the fringes of temptation, “I understand him (her) so much better than his wife (her husband) does, I’m just trying to help, We’re just friends…”.

Or we dive directly into temptation, “God knows I need this. So many others are doing it, it can’t be that bad.”

Regardless of our intentions, results remain the same:  Painful & damaging emotional entanglements.

The Bible encourages us to exercise caution. 

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” I Peter 5:8

In our next blog, we’ll explore some common causes of emotional entanglements and how to be on our guard against them.  To order the audio messages of this series on CD you can order here. 

Note: If your experiences would be helpful to others about this contorversial topic please share them below.