Emotional Entanglements Between Men & Women: Part 2-The Causes

by Mark Skalberg and Dianna Steele 

Celtic knots fascinate and mystify me. No matter how long I stare at one I’m unable to figure out where it begins or ends.  Emotional entanglements may also leave us mystified, asking “How did this happen?”  We may be clueless where an entanglement actually began or how to exit it.

In our last blog we discussed Danger Signs of Emotional Entanglements between men & women, signals along relationship routes warning us of impending collision, all related to how we approach relationships.  This blog focuses on recognizing common causes of emotional entanglements in ourselves so that we may be on guard against them.
CAUSES of Emotional Entanglements:

~Vulnerability- When vulnerability clouds judgment, we miss red flags telling us a relationship is unhealthy or moving too fast.  As a result we don’t make good decisions.  While openness and trust are essential for healthy relationships, choosing carefully when & with whom we risk vulnerability is crucial.

~Inappropriate disclosure- First cousin to vulnerability is disclosing personal information too quickly to people who knowingly or unknowingly use it to their advantage and to our disadvantage. Sadly, not everyone is safe. We must exercise caution, not trusting people at will, but only after they prove trustworthy.  Trust requires time to develop. An additional caution regarding inappropriate disclosure: if a person we’re considering disclosing distressing personal matters to is opposite gender & married, Don’t.  Many emotional entanglements begin with this type of “harmless sharing”.

~Blind spots- When we fail to recognize our weakness and deal with them we may justify gravitating toward unhealthy relationships, telling ourselves: “I deserve better, I can’t take it any longer, I’m tired of being alone.”  You may be hurt, weary, disappointed, afraid and not even realize it. What sends you in search of distractions? Do you know your Achilles’ heal? If not, give permission to an objective, truthful friend to speak into your weaknesses and hold you accountable to work on them.

~Denial- This can’t be wrong when it feels so right. Ya think? Suppose a parent allows their child to eat ice cream for lunch then skip dinner because he’s not hungry. Later the child has a horrible stomach ache.  Not desiring what was good for him, he received a poor substitute for what he truly needed and he felt worse.

Like the Pavlovian dog we hear the bell and respond to it. James 1:14-15. The evil one manipulates our need and promises what he can’t deliver. Denial and rationalization of unhealthy relationships prolongs pain and we’ll keep getting what we’ve been getting. Better to be honest with self and work through unresolved issues while purposing to live with integrity and honesty.

~Emotional Pain-  Pain stemming from rejection, a lack of self worth or a lack of intimacy with God and others can lead to desperation and looking for love in all the wrong places. Kind of sounds like a country song.  Again, this is where a trusted same-gender friend with listening ears or a pastor or even a godly Counselor makes all the difference.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”  Proverbs 12:15

~Attitudes-  Three common attitudes may lead to emotional entanglements.

Entitlement: “I have a right to …”  By telling ourselves we deserve a relationship with someone who affirms us we set ourselves up for a false intimacy and emotional entanglements.  The temptation for entitlement thinkers is to blow right past righteous conduct in favor of immediate gratification.  “One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is reckless and careless” Proverbs 14:16

Ingratitude:  In looking at what we don’t have rather than expressing gratitude for God’s goodness in our lives we lose sight of blessings right under our nose and we become like the grumbling Israelites, “They forgot what He had done, the wonders he had shown them.” Psalm 78:11 

Boredom: Like Solomon an attitude of boredom can spur trivial pursuits of unsatisfying pleasure. “Anything I saw and wanted, I got for myself; I did not miss any pleasure I desired.”  Ecclesiastes 2:10. Solomon went on to lament his elusive pursuit as “chasing after the wind.”

We could write an entire blog on attitudes alone and their impact on emotional entanglements.  We cannot stress enough the importance of right attitudes and of “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” II Corinthians 10:5 before our attitudes take us captive, dragging us into painful entanglements.

Lack of security and significance- Each of us has an internal hunger for significance.  Moving in a wrong direction to satisfy that hunger could easily lead to emotional entanglements.  More on this in the next blog.

Although challenging, there are ways to handle previously discussed danger signs as well as causes of emotional entanglements before they tie us up like Celtic knots.  In our next blog, Restoring and Maintaining your Emotional Health, we’ll explore some of those ways.  To order audio messages of this series on CD, click here.